| On Monday night, America's eyeballs were again abused by the sight of Tom DeLay shaking his moneymaker on national television. This week, DeLay and partner Cheryl Burke danced the Tango, that great Argentine dance of seduction that arose from the lower-class neighborhoods of Buenos Aires. In his pinstripes and green tie, DeLay looked like a Frankensteinian mobster, stiffly marching back and forth across the floor. The tango is a dance of insense physical control. And while DeLay sure liked to control legislation when he was in the House of Representatives, he lacks any such authority on the ballroom floor. At the end of the dance, DeLay almost dropped his partner. Ouch.
His dance received a score of 6-6-6, tied for lowest amongst all performers this week. Now, people who read tea leaves and all might suggest a sort of otherworldly message about the evil lurking in DeLay's soul, but I think that just gives him too much credit. However, due to a vigorous GOTV program, DeLay managed to stay alive to dance another day. I'll have more on the ballot-box stuffing later this week. But as for today, let's turn our focus to Texas, and that other famous former Lone Star Stater on this season's Dancing With the Stars, Michael Irvin.
This Week: Abusers Of The Phrase America's Team
Texas is lucky to have not one, but two notable former "players" competing on this season's Dancing With the Stars line-up. While our focus here is predominantly on the disgraced former Republican Majority Leader, in honor of this week's tango I decided to take a page out of the playbook of ESPN.com's Page 2 and pit DeLay and Irvin in a head-to-head battle to see who worse represents the great state of Texas.
I got the idea during the first week's episode, when a former DeLay staffer Tweeted @tomdelay is going to redistrict irvin out of texas. #dwts Yeah, we all know to what lengths DeLay will go to deny minority representation. Honestly, I'm no big Cowboys fan either--I associate the team with Thanksgivings past, and my uber-Republican Bush-dead-ender Iraq-invasion-loving Uncle cheering on "America's Team." So, let's look at a few key categories and see who comes out on top. Remember, the goal is to see who's worse for Texas: the former NFL player, or the former Republican Congressman?
| Michael Irvin vs. Tom DeLay |
| Category | Michael Irvin | Tom DeLay | Advantage: |
| Nickname: | "The Playmaker" | "The Hammer" | DeLay. Any opportunity to invoke MC Hammer is a good thing. The pun potential is 2 Legit 2 Quit! |
| Dick Army: | Uhh, the Dallas Cowboys? | Dick Armey, prior House Majority Leader and noted conservative nutjob. | Armey. Come on, the guy's name is Dick Armey. He and Dick Swett should form a band or something. |
| Wide Receiver: | His position. Retiring with 750 receptions, Irvin ranks 27th in NFL history. | TRMPAC. His committee laundered $190,000 in illegal corporate contributions through the Republican Party. | DeLay. He broke the law. |
| Tight End: |  |  | Push. We saw DeLay shake his rear end in close-up on national television. We all lose. |
| Favorite "Former" Tom: | Former coach Tom Landry, "The Great Innovator," two-time Superbowl-winning coach. | Former speaker Tom Craddick, "The Great Redistricter," forced through a mid-decade unconstitutional line-redrawing. | DeLay. Tom Landry never forced a bunch of Democrats to flee to Oklahoma to protect their constituents. |
| Misdeeds in Florida: | Played for University of Miami | Sent staffer Tom Pyle to participate in "Brooks Brothers riot" that helped block Florida recount in 2000. | DeLay. Again, circumventing the law. |
| Arrested/Indicted For: | Cocaine possession, drug possession, drug paraphernailia. | Money laundering, campaign finance fraud. | DeLay. Even Ron Paul would agree on this one. |
| Whom They Torment: | Steelers fans. NFL Network viewers. | Democrats. Voters. DWTS fans with eyeballs. | DeLay. I don't have a fancy cable package. |
| Controversial Statements: | Suggesting Tony Romo had "slave brothers." | Asking to see Barack Obama's birth certificate. | Irvin. It's not unusual these days for crazed Republicans to leap on the Birther band-wagon. |
And there you have it. Tom DeLay is hands-down a far worse representative of Texas than Michael Irvin could ever hope to be. He's also a worse dancer, too. And while DeLay's history of control involves the passage of seriously notorious legislation, at least Irvin has a history of controlling his various body parts. And on a dancing show, that's what matters to the voters.
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Past Episodes of Dancing With DeLay-Watch
Week 1: Pas De Duplicity Edition
Week -1: The Hammer Time Edition
Week -3: Dirty Financing Edition
Week -4: Mugshot Mambo Edition |
