Burnt Orange Report

Word of the Year

By Karl-Thomas Musselman

Podcast.

WMDs Found

By Karl-Thomas Musselman

Really, you think it would have been sooner. Bush obviously wasn't looking too hard.

Order Falls Apart at Supreme Court

By Phillip Martin

Literally. A large chunck of marble fell off the front of the United States Supreme Court building this morning. According to TV reports, the chunk fell from the area where statues are carved at the top of the building. While "Liberty," the central statue, remained intact, it seems that some basic elements of "Order" broke down.

More puns are, of course, welcome.

Bush's Exit Strategy

By Karl-Thomas Musselman

Watch the video of Bush's Exit Strategy. (Might resize your window for some reason).

Also, watch the video of Rep. Mean Jean Schmidt dropping the C-Bomb on the house floor last week.

O' Really

By Karl-Thomas Musselman

Bill O'Reilly is a Terrorist sympathizer.

Bombs away.

Afternoon Humor

By Karl-Thomas Musselman

It's not often that a Quorum Report story makes me laugh, but oh boy, this afternoon was great. Republican consultant, Royal Masset goes off on a claim that TRMPAC wasn't responsible for winning even a single House seat in the Texas Lege.

"Say something often enough and people will believe it, even if not true says regular contributor Royal Masset" the banner screamed as I thought, yeah, Denial is more than a river in Egypt. The money quote...

I do deny that. Dick DeGuerin is wrong. Tom DeLay and TRMPAC had no impact on the 2002 State House elections. Their efforts won 0 State Rep seats. None. Zero. Nada. Zip. If TRMPAC did not exist the Republicans would have won the same 88 seats.

... But I think it is very important that the truth be told here. The notion that Texas' legislature can be bought is a lie.

Let me pick myself back up off of the floor. The lege can't be bought? Hahaha. Good one. I find it really hard to believe that a Republican PAC, run by people who see politics like business, would spend money that has no effect on house races. It flies in the face of Republican Political Economics.

Let me know where I should send Royal Masset's invitation to join the Reality Based Community.

Kelso: Funny, Sadly.

By Karl-Thomas Musselman

John Kelso with some lines that could hurt your sides and your heart.

I think it's pretty darned funny that George W. Bush intends to head an investigation of the slow response to Hurricane Katrina to see who screwed up.

That would be like picking Hugh Hefner to head a blue ribbon committee to look into why there are so many pictures of nekkid women in Playboy.

...

Maybe the reason Bush was so slow to react to the damage is that it took him a few days to round up enough National Guard troops to stand behind him for the photo op.

You've got to wonder why the Bush administration hired Mike Brown, the former commissioner of the International Arabian Horse Association, to head up the Federal Emergency Management Agency. I'm guessing it's because there was nobody available at the Westminster Kennel Club.

Meanwhile, as Rome burned, Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice showed her concern by shopping for shoes at Ferragamo on Fifth Avenue.

So, while New Orleans was trying to dry out by operating the pumps, Rice was trying on the pumps. Swell.

Rick Perry Inaction Figure

By Karl-Thomas Musselman

I've always been a fan of John Kelso's columns in the Statesman and his latest one, inspired by the Kinky Action Figure Fun Drive ($45k out of $75k raised so far) is by far one of the best in a long time. Here are some of the good bits...

Gov. Perry ought to come up with his own Rick Perry doll. How about a clueless doll that doesn't know what to do about school funding, so it calls another special session. And it has really nice hair.

...

To make it interesting, other people should follow Friedman's lead and come out with their own action figures. But just what tricks would each doll perform?

The Carole Keeton Strayhorn doll: Put it in water and it balloons up, then it gets skinny, then it swells up again. It also talks too fast and intermittently accuses the Rick Perry doll of being a drugstore cowboy.

The Tom Craddick doll: It throws its hands in the air, gives up and tells everybody to go home.

The Karl Rove doll: The toy stores are recalling it because it's leaking.

The George W. Bush doll: It's a fit doll; it has a low resting heart rate and job approval numbers to match.

The Scott McClellan doll: Its lips move, but it doesn't say anything.

The Mayor Will Wynn doll: When voters tell it to go jump in the lake because of toll roads, it takes it to heart and leaps off a bridge.

The Chris Bell doll: Who the hell is Chris Bell?

The Mack Brown doll: Usually a smiling doll, on OU weekend it throws itself on the ground and sobs uncontrollably.

The Ricky Williams doll: It lives in a tent and smokes a fatty.

The Willie Nelson doll: It lives on a tour bus and smokes two fatties.

Whole Foods Market shopper doll: It pays $20 a pound for whale-safe frankfurters and takes seaweed pills.

The Williamson County suburbanite doll: It calls for the death penalty for minors, watches Fox News, then goes to bed at 9 p.m.

The Bouldin Creek Neighborhood Association doll: It walks up and down South Congress Avenue looking for something to bitch about.

I'd love to add to this list, so leave some ideas in the comments.

Rep. Pena: No Pot-Pops Please

By Karl-Thomas Musselman

Democratic Rep. Aaron Pena isn't Anti-Candy, he's just Anti-'Pot'sicle. The Texan reports today that in the Special Session on Taxes and School Finance, he's filed HB 74 "relating to an offense of selling or offering to sell a marihuana flavored confectionery."

State Rep. Aaron Peña, D-Edinburg, has filed legislation proposing a ban on candy products such as the novelty lollipops touting the name "Pot Suckers."

Other types of marijuana-themed candies targeted by House Bill 74 include the lollipop "Chronic Candy," marijuana/hemp-flavored gum drops, gummy bears and chocolate-covered pretzels.

Spencer Gifts stores are located in several malls nationwide, including locations at local Barton Creek and Lakeline malls. The stores market the hemp treats alongside similarly themed shirts and posters.

"Parents, schools and law enforcement are all working hard to keep drugs away from our children," Peña said Wednesday. "We can't allow these companies to be making money off our kids while promoting a dangerous and illegal activity."

Hahaha. This is almost as good as the Anti-Booty Bill of Al Edwards. Can you think of a similarly clever name in the comments?

Here's the actual language...

Sec. 48.03. PROHIBITIONS RELATING TO CERTAIN CONFECTIONERIES.

(a) In this section, "marihuana" means the plant Cannabis sativa L., whether growing or not, the seeds of that plant, and every compound, manufacture, salt, derivative, mixture, or preparation of that plant or its seeds.

(b) A person commits an offense if the person sells or offers to sell candy or another confectionery that the person knows is designed and manufactured to contain the actual or simulated flavor of marihuana.

(c) An offense under this section is a Class A misdemeanor.

Chronic Candy retorts.

Tony Vanpelt, owner of Chronic Candy, said he has worked hard to make his business successful and emphasized that he is selling a legal product.

"This is outrageous," Vanpelt said. "They are trying to ban the taste of something."

The pot-flavored confections are often sold by the ounce or 20-sack, and are advertised on Chronic Candy's Web site using catch lines such as "of that real 'chronic' taste" or "every lick is like taking a hit." Several news reports have said they are endorsed by Snoop Dog and reality-TV star Paris Hilton.

The candy is legal because it uses hemp oil, an extract of hemp seeds used in many health foods and beauty products.

Phil Johnson, floor manager at Wheatsville Food Co-op, said that his store offers a variety of products containing hemp oil and hemp seeds.

"Along with flax seeds, hemp seeds are preferred by vegans as a primary source of essential fatty acids," Johnson said.

Of course, the Texan notes that the No-Pot-Pops Bill is going nowhere unless Rick Perry expands the agenda of the session, which means the Good-Hairinator is going to say Adios, Mofo to HB74.

Blacklisting Pictures

By Karl-Thomas Musselman

First off, I have to thank Matt Hardigree (former SEC President here on campus) for posting this picture. I'm trying to think of a better caption, maybe some of y'all can help him out.

But as a follow up to last night's meeting, I'd like to hear your thoughts as the broader BOR community on the nature of the word "Blacklist" since there may be a resolution against it at next week's SG meetings. Where else have you seen movement's against terminology like this, what are your thoughts on it, is it racist, is this one step below the master/slave PC arguements....

Happy Easter

By Karl-Thomas Musselman

I wish I had some chocolate...

Because this makes me hungry.

Republicans Changing Party Symbol

By Karl-Thomas Musselman

The Republican National Committee announced that the Republican Party is changing its emblem from an elephant to a condom. The National Chairman explained that the condom more clearly reflects the party's stance today because a condom accepts inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security while you are actually being screwed.

Seriously though, I'm back in Austin after spending Spring Break back home working my father's city council race. Some updates on that and other city council races going on here in Texas coming in the next day or two. Looks like this place has done just fine without me being online for a week.

From The Internets

By Jim Dallas

I couldn't have written a better essay myself:

An essay on Burnt Orange Report

'Brilliant', 'Quite Good', 'What?', these are just some of the comments made recently in the press regarding Burnt Orange Report. I really, really like Burnt Orange Report. While much has been written on its influence on contemporary living, it is yet to receive proper recognition for laying the foundations of democracy. It is estimated that that Burnt Orange Report is thought about eight times every day by the easily lead, trapped by their infamous history. At the heart of the subject are a number of key factors. I plan to examine each of these factors in detail and and asses their importance.

Social Factors

Society is a human product. Upon Peter Pinkleton-PishPosh's return to Britain he remarked 'class will refelect the inner hero' [1], he, contrary to my learned colleague Sir George Allen’s recent publication ‘Into the eye of , could not have been referring to eighteenth century beliefs regarding society. More a melody to societies dysfunctions than a parody of the self, Burnt Orange Report raises the question 'why?'

Some analysts have been tempted to disregard Burnt Orange Report. I haven’t. Just as a dog will return to its own sick, society will return to Burnt Orange Report, again and again.

Economic Factors

Is unemployment inherently bad for an economy? Yes. We shall examine the Lead-a-Duck-to-Water model, as is standard in this case.

Clearly the graphs demonstrates a strong correlation. Why is this? Recent studies indicate that the average wage will eventually break free from the powerful influence of Burnt Orange Report, but not before we see a standardised commercial policy for all. A sharp down turn in middle class investment may lead to changes in the market.

Political Factors

Modern politics owes much to the animal kingdom. Comparing current political thought with that held just ten years ago is like comparing Burnt Orange Report and former Wolves striker Steve Bull.

One quote comes instantly to mind when examining this topic. I mean of course the words of the uncompromising Achilles Skank 'Taking a walk across hot coals will inevitably hurt your feet.' [2] What a fantastic quote. If our political system can be seen as a cake, then Burnt Orange Report makes a good case for being the icing.
While Burnt Orange Report may be a giant amongst men, is it a dwarf amongst policy? I hope not.

Conclusion

We can say with certainty Burnt Orange Report plays a large part in the lives of all. It brings peace, brings glamour to an unglamorous time and statistically it's great.

As a parting shot here are the words of super-star Uma Pfeiffer: 'Burnt Orange Report is the new rock and roll! And the new opera!' [3]

[1] Flankton - The Complete History - 1999 Fantastico Publishing

[2] Skank - Politics for Dummies - PV6 Media

[3] My Burnt Orange Report! - Issue 4 - BFG Publishing

(This essay was automatically generated by this Web site)

Everlasting Kitching Appliance

By Karl-Thomas Musselman

The Lasso (Statesman Blog) has the scoop on the Fridge that won't die.

Gannon Song!

By Karl-Thomas Musselman

Wonkette discovers a music tribute to our favorite White House pimp. What would we do without the blogosphere?

Trivia!

By Jim Dallas

Down in the comments of an earlier post, I was called on referring to Gary Polland as a "big whig"; apparently the correct spelling is "big wig."

Only it turns out that in my crazy over-stuffed mind, I managed to accidentally correct a linguistic fluke:

Have you ever heard someone called a "big wig"? The expression really should be Big Whig. It was used to describe members of Henry Clay's Whig Party. Most of the wealthy influential people of the time were Whigs—just the kind of people who would be called big wigs today!

Only it also turns out that there is another interpretation!

Back in the dim and distant past, before the days of hair products, bad hair days were much more common. Rather than having to deal with this problem, people wore wigs, or artificial hair. Though the use of wigs was known in ancient Greece and Rome, we are here concerned with the wig worn as a distinctive piece of costume.

This trend apparently started in France in the early seventeenth century; the fashion reached England later in the seventeenth century. England being England, wigs were differentiated based on class and profession. Men of great importance naturally wore larger wigs than the rabble, and so they were called big wigs.

Bigwig was first used just after the turn of the eighteenth century, and was generally humorous or derisive at the time. It spawned a number of derived terms such as bigwiggery and bigwiggism. The wearing of wigs gradually declined in England among doctors and clergymen; by the coronation of Queen Victoria, for example, only the Archibishop of Canterbury still wore a wig. Wigs are still worn as part of the costume of certain officials and jurists, though there is a movement to abolish their use entirely.

So there you have it. Two perfectly plausible explanations. Although for the second there appears to be quite a bit of confusion over when the term arose, although it would have been at some time during the 18th century. Incidentally, one suggested origin for the word "Whig" is that it meant "country bumpkin" in the 17th century. This being Texas and all, maybe "big whig" is more appropriate after all?

At any rate, I think there seems to be a pretty settled etymology for "O.K." Incidentally, it appears that it originated as a slur against Andrew Jackson by... the Whigs:

Van Buren's opponents tried to turn the phrase against him, saying that it had originated with Van Buren's allegedly illiterate predecessor, Andrew Jackson, a story that has survived to this day. They also devoted considerable energy to coming up with unflattering interpretations, e.g., "Out of Kash, Out of Kredit, and Out of Klothes."

Newspaper editors and publicists around the country delighted in coming up with even sillier interpretations-- Oll Killed, Orfully Konfused, Often Kontradicts, etc.--so that by the time the campaign was over the expression had taken firm root nationwide.

Tom Delay in the Middle East

By Karl-Thomas Musselman

Thank you.

Showing Real Support

By Karl-Thomas Musselman

From Natalie Dee...

Bush a Satanist?

By Byron LaMasters

Well, I am amused with the press the whole thing is getting. Apparently, the Norwegian press translated President Bush's "Hook 'em Horns" hand signal with the similar motion that is a Satanist signal in Norway. It's always amusing how different signs mean different things in different cultures.

However, while I think it's great that the President is a Longhorn fan, I can't help but note that the University of Texas rejected him for Law school, so he had to settle for Harvard Business School instead. Nor is President Bush a native Texan. He was born in Connecticut, and he went to school at Yale. So, who knows? Is President Bush really a Longhorn fan after all? He might just be a Satanist. You never know...

I heart Jib Jab

By Byron LaMasters

You gotta love it. It's the Bush second term. Among the idiocy of the Bush administration, it's nice to be able to laugh once in awhile.

Drunk Republicans and Free Champagne

By Byron LaMasters

This is just a funny story from my personal life this past Saturday night. Read it if you want. There's just something about Republicans, especially drunk Republicans that just amuses the heck out of me...

A friend of mine from Waxahachie that I've known since high school was celebrating his 21st birthday on Saturday night. He invited seven friends or so to celebrate with him by joining him at his suite, taking a limo to dinner, going around town in the limo, then back to the suite. That's not something I'm going to turn down on a Saturday night, so I said sure.

Around 10 PM we get to the Maggiano's at Northpark Mall for dinner where we proceed to order a family style meal at about $22 / person. It's a little pricy, but reasonable for a nice restuarant. About halfway through the meal, the birthday boy (who was a little bit drunk, and had been telling everyone we walked by that it was his 21st birthday) came back to the table followed by a rather intoxicated middle-aged businessman who he had "met" in the bathroom. That sounded a little bit suspicious, but we decided to go with the flow, and see what the deal was.

Sure enough, this man pulled out his credit card and declared that everyone needs a good bottle of champagne on their 21st birthday, so he proceeded to hand our server his credit card and order a 1985 Dom Perignon for $150. Then he ordered a second one. And then a third one for our table of eight. In the end, he offered to pay for the entire bill of over $700.

Nice guy, huh? Well, that's not the end of the story. At one point he asked one of the females in our group to sit on his lap, to which he added, "Don't worry, I'm not a fudgepacker or anything". Amusingly, of the five guys at the table, four of us were gay, and the straight guy was a Democratic candidate for state representative this year in Waxahachie whose name rhymes with "snake". On Sunday, I managed to look this guy up on OpenSecrets.org only to learn that he gave over $5000 to Colorado Republicans in 2004.

Anyway, so this nice drunk Republican businessman from Colorado bought a $700 meal for a bunch of gays, gay Democrats and well, just those ordinary heterosexual Democrats. We were kind enough to call a cab for him to take him to wherever he was staying, but I think that we all got the last laugh.

Biggest news of the day

By Nathan Nance

Guest post by Nate Nance

I'm sure you've all heard about it. It was breaking news last night and dominated the airwaves all day Thursday. I've spent several hours reviewing the tape and, in my secret undisclosed location bunker, I am now ready to inform all of you who read BOR of my findings:

This is the cutest White House Barney video ever! Karl Rove has people throwing balls at him and the nominee for Attorney General, Al Gonzales, talking to a dog. The most unsettling thing is the president's performance. You would think after all those scripted press conferences he would do a better job, especially when his opposite is a small Scottish terrier, but I guess he's a C- student at that, too.

What? It's not like there was a new tape from Osama bin Laden to review or anything.

This is a guest post from Nathan Nance. Nate is a sports/news clerk at the Waco Tribune-Herald and writer/editor of Common Sense a Texas-based Democratic Web log. He can be reached at nate_nance@yahoo.com

"Greed is good"

By Nathan Nance

Guest post by Nate Nance

Just skimming through Slate, I saw the headline "Who's more interesting, Paris Hilton or Karl Rove?" I knew that I had to write something about that.

The article is on Barbara Walter's special and the throwback to the 80s that it brings to mind, like putting Paris Hilton at No. 2 behind Karl Rove, and listing usual celebrities like Mel Gibson and Oprah Winfrey. I have to say I agree whole-heartedly with the conclusions about consumerism and celebrity worship found inside. I have to add, so what?

I think a little celebrity worship is good. I like Paris Hilton. I think she's got a nice tan and lots of ambition to be a major star. What's wrong with that? I like Karl Rove because he wants to win, kudos to him. I like Oprah because... damnit, she's Oprah! Mel still kinda weirds me out.

And it's the American Dream to succeed and be rich and turn your back on everybody and drive a Ferrari (OK maybe that's just my dream). I want people to get rich and live a good life, then I have no problem taxing them at 40% and paying for everyone's college tuition or health care insurance. And if we tax them into the poor house, they can get in one of our many wonderful govt. programs that make poor people rich so that we can tax the hell out of them to help poor people. It's the circle of life.

The only problem I see with celebrity worship is that occassionally someone tries to kill the president because they think they are in love with Jodie Foster (come to think of it, the 80s gave us that, too). Price you pay, I guess.

Seriously though, a little star gazing is all right and it keeps the dream alive. And consumerism keeps the economy humming along (Paris Hilton... humming?), albeit not so well right now. As much as we might not all agree with some of the values that lie underneath all of this, they are American values that got through the Reagan years and got Bill Clinton in the White House.

This is a guest post from Nate Nance. Nate is a sports/news clerk at the Waco Tribune-Herald and writer/editor of Common Sense a Texas-based Democratic Web log. He can be reached at nate_nance@yahoo.com.

Another fun news fact

By Nathan Nance

Guest post by Nate Nance

I haven't posted all day, so I thought my first one of the night should be something that concerns bloggers the world over: Laptops — threat to male fertitlity.

Not a pleasant thought for any blogger on the go.

I'll be posting more later tonight, right now I'm stuck at work. I may even do one of my infamoust Tuesday's with Tucker Carlson posts after I watch the show this morning.

This is a guest post by Nate Nance. Nate is a sports/news clerk at the Waco Tribune-Herald and writer/editor of Common Sense a Texas-based Democratic Web log. He can be reached at nate_nance@yahoo.com.

Poor Aggies Continued

By Byron LaMasters

I HAD to take a picture of this when I saw it today...

You'll see the sign on your left going northbound on Guadalupe just north of campus. Kerbey Lane is a favorite campus area hangout. It has that grungy / granola "old Austin" feel to it. It's open 24/7, and they've got Kerbey Queso to die for, even if their service is well... a bit lacking at times (meaning all the time).

Speaking of Kerbey... a little bird told me that Howard Dean was spotted at Kerbey Lane a few weeks ago. Apparently, he was in town for some tournament that his daughter was in, but made no public appearances -- just a few very small, private events with old supporters. And yes, he's sending out feelers for a run for DNC chair, although I'm personally more of a fan of Simon Rosenberg.

I'm too lazy to blog. Here, talk to this robot instead.

By Jim Dallas

As some of you may note, it bears an uncanny resemblance to about half of the diarists on DailyKos and 3/4s of the commenters on Atrios.

Why lie? It's the truth!

From Sean Gleeson.

More Jesusland Prudishness

By Byron LaMasters

Last week is was about airing Saving Private Ryan on network television.

This week it's the concept of I-69. U.S. Rep John Hostettler has a problem with the proposed name. Here's the hoax story anyway:

John Hostettler, the Congressman representing the 8th district of Indiana, has been convinced by local religious groups to introduce legislation in the House that would change the name of an Interstate 69 extension to a more moral sounding number.

There are plans to extend the interstate from Indianapolis through southwestern Indiana all the way through Texas into Mexico in the coming years. While most believe this highway will be good for the state’s economy, religious conservatives believe “I-69” sounds too risqué and want to change the interstate’s number.

Hostettler, a proponent of the interstate extension, agrees. “Every time I have been out in the public with an ‘I-69’ button on my lapel, teenagers point and snicker at it. I have had many ask me if they can have my button. I believe it is time to change the name of the highway. It is the moral thing to do.”

What a putz. Ok, well nevermind, he's still a putz. I want an I-69 button, damn it! Someone should start selling them, and donate the proceeds to his challenger in two years. We need to take back the bloody eighth anyway.

Moving on over to Texas, here's the proposed route of I-69 in Texas.

Via Wonkette.

Update: The Stakeholder notes that Hostettler has a history of erratic behavior such as taking a handgun to the airport.

Update #2: Ok, well it's a hoax. Oxblog updated their post with a correction as well. Still, considering that Hostettler is overall a little nutty, the fact that he would have gotten all worked up about something like "I-69" is not surprising.

Update #3: Well, regardless, it's humorous to see that Hostettler is catching some flak over the story (and the link has an interview with the original author of the story as well).

Bush's Mandate

By Byron LaMasters

Oh, how I love google bombing...

Click here, or go to Google.com. Type in "Bush Mandate". And yes, you're feeling lucky today :-)

Of course, I have to do my part to ensure it stays number one... Bush mandate.

Via Atrios among others.

Pistols or swords?

By Byron LaMasters

This is hilarious:

Sen. Zell Miller, who famously challenged MSNBC host Chris Matthews to a duel during the Republican convention this year, now may have to face New York Times columnist Maureen Dowd.

Appearing on Don Imus' national radio program on Tuesday, Miller ripped the woman he called "Maureen Loud," calling her a "highbrow hussy from New York." He added that the "red-headed woman at the New York Times" should not mock anyone's religion: "You can see horns just sprouting up through that Technicolor hair."

Asked by the New York Post for a response, Dowd said: "I'm not a highbrow hussy from New York. I'm a highbrow hussy from Washington. Senator, pistols or swords?"

Miller had said: "The more Maureen Loud gets on 'Meet the Press' and writes those columns, the redder these states get. I mean, they don't want some highbrow hussy from New York City explaining to them that they're idiots and telling them that they're stupid."

Yup, and the more liberals / Democrats Zell Miller challenges to a duel the bluer the blue states get.

Heard on the blogs

By Jim Dallas

Now around here we love consultants, and in fact some of us aspire to be consultants. But I found the following joke posted in one of the comment threads over at Pandagon.com to be painfully on-target.

A cowboy was herding his herd in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses, YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"

The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure. Why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, conects it to his AT&T cell phone, surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany.

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with hundreds of complex formula. He uploads all of this data via an email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, a miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says the cowboy.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car. Then the cowboy says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

"You're a consultant for the Democratic party," says the cowboy.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked; and you don't know anything about my business.

........ "Now give me back my dog."

Only in California...

By Byron LaMasters

I'm surprised Boi From Troy hasn't latched on to this San Francisco Chronicle story yet:

The sex lives of California's two hottest politicians took center stage this week, with Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger confessing that his wife cut him off for two weeks after his speech at the Republican convention and San Francisco Mayor Gavin Newsom's wife bragging to a New York audience about her husband's size -- and how she keeps him happy.

[...]

In a Q&A with former White House Chief of Staff and ex-Rep. Leon Panetta in Monterey, the host asked Schwarzenegger how his famously Democratic wife, Maria Shriver, had reacted to his speech supporting President Bush at the Republican National Convention.

"Well, there was no sex for 14 days,'' the governor told the thousand- person audience. "Everything comes with side effects.''

[...]

Guilfoyle Newsom was a last-minute sub for her husband at the gay rights event, which drew 1,100 guests. By all accounts, Guilfoyle Newsom -- who lives in New York and is a regular on Court TV -- gave an inspired speech.

But what really brought the house down was when she started talking about her hubby.

"I know that many of you wanted to see my husband and some of you had questions out there,'' Guilfoyle Newsom said.

"Is he hot? Yeah.

"Is he hung? Yeah.

"Is he (she waved her hand to suggest bisexual)? Not unless you can give a better (she mimicked eating a banana) than me,'' Guilfoyle Newsom said.

The mayoral bride's remarks have become the talk of San Francisco City Hall.

Haha. I guess Gavin Newsom knows what will get him reelected in San Francisco...

Republican Sign Stealers are Stupider than Democratic Sign Stealers

By Byron LaMasters

I try not to get too worked up about sign stealing, because, well it happens. Both sides do it, and it's part of the game. As for office break-in's and vandalism, that's a different story. Both sides have done it in this election, and that's another issue entirely, but this story made me laugh my ass off:

A Lakewood Republican stealing campaign signs late one night got nabbed when he ran across a low-hanging driveway chain, fell face first onto a pilfered sign and the concrete and knocked himself unconscious.

Randal Wagner, 50, was loaded into an ambulance, treated at Lutheran Medical Center for abrasions and facial cuts and issued a summons.

Idiocy at it's greatest.... via Political Wire.

Who Ever Heard of a Good Piece of Elephant?

By Byron LaMasters

This is bunk. Democrats are way sexier than Republicans.

Quote of the Day

By Byron LaMasters

“At least he didn’t challenge me to a duel” - GA Dem chair Bobby Kahn on Zell Miller's latest memo attacking President Carter and Kahn.

Because picking on Oklahoma is too hard to resist...

By Byron LaMasters

If I weren't from Texas, I'd probably be a little bit more judgemental about Oklahoma, but Texas politics is sufficiently screwed up, that I can't really get on their case.

Seriously, though, from almost electing right-wing nut Steve Largent as governor, to the horny judge to the U.S. Senate candidate Tom Coburn (R-OK) who believes that abortion doctors should be executed after having performed two abortions himself - Oklahoma has its share of craziness. Well, thank god Brad Carson is in the race, because the Independent candidate for the U.S. Senate seat almost makes Tom this-senate-race-is-about-good-versus-evil Coburn look sane. The Oklahoman reports:

Independent U.S. Senate candidate Sheila Bilyeu claims the federal government implanted a device inside her head in the 1970s and has sent messages for years to annoy her.

[...]

"Mean politicians ... have been after me for years and years and years," she said last week. "I know it sounds nuts, but it's true."

[...]

Bilyeu, 60, has repeatedly sued the U.S. government in federal courts in Florida, Virginia, California and Washington, D.C.

Most of those lawsuits also named former President Clinton and other politicians as defendants.

"It's like a little radio," she said of the supposed device in her head. "They can transmit in stuff and talk to me. It sounds like I'm a schizophrenic, but I'm not. Anyway, it has caused me a lot of trouble and pretty much ruined my life and so I've filed these lawsuits about that."

You can read the rest in the extended entry. It gets better. I swear!

Bilyeu was born in Oklahoma in 1944 and graduated in 1966 from Oklahoma State University with a home economics degree.

Bilyeu filed for the Senate seat from Virginia. She has since returned to Oklahoma and said she is looking for inexpensive housing.

She said she "has been sleeping in my car for much of the last 10 years and living below the poverty line because of politics and greed."

She also ran for U.S. president this year as a Green Party candidate and for governor of Texas in 1986 as a Democrat.

She calls herself an educator and political activist. She said she has campaigned for independent presidential candidate Ralph Nader.

She said she last worked an education job as a school counselor in Ponca City in the 1992-1993 school year. She moved from there to Florida and later to Virginia.

Judges dismissed all her lawsuits against the federal government. Judges wrote they were hard to understand.

In her D.C. lawsuit, U.S. District Judge Richard W. Roberts wrote in 2001: "Plaintiff has filed a narrative, stream-of-consciousness complaint that, as best as I can tell, revolves around the plaintiff's belief that a conspiracy led by President Clinton has implanted a transmission device in her head, 'gassed' her and stolen her dog."

In California, a U.S. magistrate last year said Bilyeu's allegations of "a vast conspiracy of powerful people" were far-fetched and vague.

The magistrate, Carla Woehrle, noted that Bilyeu asked in the lawsuit "that the 'device' be removed by doctors who are not part of the conspiracy, that she be protected by 'good authorities,' that she receive damages of $50 million or whatever is fair, and that her dog be found and returned to her."

In the 1990s, Bilyeu unsuccessfully sued Ponca City schools, game show host Alex Trebek, CBS anchor Dan Rather and others.

She would not discuss her lawsuit against Trebek. She said Rather did not use her name on the news, but "was making insinuations about me -- that I was a whore or something."

Her lawsuit against Ponca City schools alleged educators there were part of the "evil political conspiracy" against her.

She has appealed some cases to the U.S. Supreme Court.

"I found that there are a lot of corrupt judges that don't really care about justice. And justice is one of my really big issues. I think there are a lot of those judges that need to be weeded out," she said.

She claims she has been targeted by conspirators because she was born with a "V" mark on her head and was known as the "victory baby." She said politicians have tried to stop her from running for office because they fear she will "mess up their ... power and their money."

She said the device was stuck in her head during an operation in the late 1970s at a military base in Arizona.

She said things got worse while Clinton was president because she spoke out against him. She said she was gassed in her apartment and in her car.

"You can't even believe all the equipment they can use on somebody that they don't like," she said.

She said she has never been in a mental hospital. But she would not say if she has ever been under a psychiatrist's or psychologist's care.

She said the CIA or a rogue unit use satellites to transmit the messages -- mostly "put downs" -- inside her head. Asked during an interview the time of the last transmission, she said, "Today."

"I really think it's political," she said. "I think the Clintons are out to get me. ... Somebody still is. Somebody is still funding the unit that is transmitting."

She said she is running for Senate largely because she is against the war in Iraq.

"We've wasted a lot of young people's lives and billions ... of dollars that should have been used back here on health care and all kinds of things that we needed," she said.

"I really do care about this country and want it to get back on track like it's supposed to be."

She admits she was thrown in jail in 2000 for sleeping in her car in a church parking lot in Virginia. "That whole deal was part of the conspiracy," she said.

Is this a Beer Commercial or Oklahoma?

By Byron LaMasters

I know I've been hard on Oklahoma this week, but some things are really just too hard to resist. As does any campaign, my friends on the Oklahoma Democratic Coordinated / Carson campaign routinely look through the local newspapers for relevent political stories. This one isn't exactly relevent, but it's certainly amusing. From the Sulphur (OK) Times-Democrat on Thursday, July 15, 2004:

A few visitors to Arbuckle Lake got more than they bargained for as they witnessed two Sulphur women engaged in a brawl, tearing off each other's bathing suit tops. The incident occurred Friday, July 10.

According to a report by a Chickasaw National Recreation Area park ranger, Candace Denise Hamilton, a.k.a. Candace Denise Rochelle, and Melody Mae Fisher are both facing a disturbing the peace charge for the brawl.

The ranger's report indicates the woman, who are sisters, were arguing in the water near Buckhorn Pavillion about 7 p.m. when the argument escalated to a fight.

Witnesses said the women were in the water and started cussing each other, fighting and tearing off each other's bikini tops.

"At one point, Fisher held Hamilton underwater for several seconds and when she let her up, they both started hitting and cussing at each other," the report states.

Fisher left the water and was followed by Hamilton and the fight continued.

Witnesses told the ranger the fight continued for about five minutes during which time both of the women's bathing suit tops were again ripped off, exposing their breasts to the other visitors and children in the picnic area.

Witnesses said Fisher left the area, with Hamilton cussing at her as she left. She then began cussing at the children in her group, quieting down when she received a phone call.

When the officer arrived, Hamilyon was still at the scene, but Fisher had left. Hamilton was arrested, and an assult warrant was issued for Fisher, Monday.

Hamilton told the officer she couldn't remember what they had been fighting about, and their tops had come off accidentally. She said Fisher had bit her by the eyebrow, and there were visible teeth marks under her left eyebrow, according to the ranger's report.

Hamilton received a one year deferred sentence and a $100 fine. She also has to write a letter of apology to the witnesses. At press time, Fisher had not yet been apprehended.

Priceless...

Update: Previously reported here. And here's a report from the Ardmoreite:

Two Sulphur sisters shocked park visitors when they lost their bathing suit tops during a fight in the Chickasaw Recreation Area Saturday. One of the women, Candace Denise Rochelle Hamilton, 32, was arrested by park rangers for disturbing the peace.

Ranger Susan Thompson reported responding to a call of two women fighting at the Buckhorn Pavilion at approximately 7 p.m. Several witnesses told the officer Hamilton and her sister, Melody Mae Fisher, began cursing each other and fighting while they were in the water. At one point during the fight, Fisher held Hamilton underwater for several seconds.

When the fight continued and moved to the shore, witnesses said both women lost their tops, exposing their breasts to other visitors and children in the picnic area. After the fight raged on for about five minutes, Fisher finally left the area with Hamilton cursing her and the children in her group. Hamilton reportedly quieted down after receiving a phone call.

Hamilton admitted fighting with her sister but couldn't remember what they had been fighting about. She said their tops had come off accidentally during the altercation. Hamilton had visible teeth marks under her left eyebrow.

Because of witnesses statements and Hamilton's admission of the fight, she was arrested for disturbing the peace by fighting and the use of profane language.

Bad Idea

By Karl-Thomas Musselman

Some advice.

Never play Mike Oldfield's Tubular Bells soundtrack on shuffle or random. Since the CD is practically one huge song, playing it out of order will cause severe mental confusion.

That is all.

Don't Call him Chicken. Or maybe so.

By Karl-Thomas Musselman

Here's one for you sociologists and others into weird stories.

Man In Fiji Raised As A Chicken

A man in Suva, Fiji, is being taught to act human after being raised as a chicken. Sunjit Kumar was locked in a chicken coop for several years as a young boy, after his parents died and he was handed over to his grandfather.

He had little contact with humans during that time and picked up the habits of the birds. Kumar escaped from the chicken coop and was taken to a local hospital. But the staff did not know how to treat him, so they confined him. He spent 20 years there, often tied to his bed.

Kumar, who is now 32, finally got a second chance at life when he was discovered by Elizabeth Clayton, a native New Zealander and president of the Suva Rotary Club. Clayton said doctors examined Sunjit and found no mental defects. Professionals agreed that his condition was the result of years of neglect and abuse.

"He had imitated or imprinted with the chicken," Clayton said. "He was perching, he was picking at his food, he was hopping around like a chicken. He'd keep his hands in a chickenlike fashion, and he'd make a noise, which was like the calling of a chicken, which he still has."

Clayton took over Kumar's care and he has reportedly made "remarkable progress," learning to walk and speak like a human.

Element of Surprise...

By Andrew Dobbs

(Crosspost from Yellow Dog Blog)

Thought y'all might like this. From the Borowitz Report:

INSPIRED BY IRAQI HANDOVER, BUSH HOLDS U.S. ELECTION FOUR MONTHS EARLY

Element of Surprise Cited As Bush Romps to Victory

Inspired by the early handover of sovereignty in Iraq, President George W. Bush employed the element of surprise once more last night, holding the U.S. presidential election four months early.

The election, about which only top Bush administration officials were notified, went exceedingly well for the president, who carried all fifty states and garnered approximately one hundred percent of the vote.

Mr. Bush¹s victory speech, which he had originally scheduled for eleven P.M.. last night, was at the last minute rescheduled to nine P.M., once again capitalizing on the element of surprise.

In his speech, Mr. Bush admitted that he might have had a more difficult time getting reelected if the American people had actually been notified about the time and date of the voting, but added, ³A win¹s a win, right?²

Mr. Bush¹s second inauguration is slated to take place on January 20, 2005, but administration officials acknowledged that it could happen ³at any time..²

³For all I know it has already happened,² one aide said.

While the stealth presidential election seems to have cemented the Bush administration¹s reputation for secrecy, one aide said that some secrets were harder to keep than others: ³For example, everyone knows how Paul Wolfowitz gets his hair to look so great.²

White House officials praised the performance of the controversial new Diebold electronic voting machines, which successfully tabulated final results from Florida before a single vote was cast.