Burnt Orange Report

BORed: Harry Connick, Jr. Named Prince Of New Orleans

By Matt Hardigree

Harry Connick, Jr. New king of New Orleans (Photo MSNBC.com)

Unfortunately, with the large numbers of evacuees from New Orleans camping out in the Reliant/Astrodome complex, ominous rumors have become as prevalent as fake breasts in Houston. I've heard stories of rape, suicide, disease, looting and car-jacking in the last few days connected with our new visitors. Fortunately, most of these are just that, rumors. The great people over at the Houston Chronicle's Dome Blog have been keeping track of them.

I've been volunteering in and around Houston and I've yet to see anything out of the ordinary. As well, my father is a security officer and has been working shifts at the dome, supervising bag check and pat-down and he said the biggest issue at the Dome was the lack of privacy. I might add that having a Hardigree responsible for any amount of security is probably another area of concern.

Sick of hearing all of these untrue and negative rumors aimed at a group that is, by and large, Black and socio-economically disadvantaged, I thought I'd start a few more positive rumors. I know that posting rumors on this blog is out-of-the-ordinary, so please forgive me this one time.

1. Harry Connick, Jr. Named King of New Orleans - Harry Connick, Jr., the beloved New Orleans-based songwriter named King of The Big Easy by the remaining residents of that city. When asked why, Tom DeJeanue explained that "It took four days for FEMA to get here, but it only took King Harry two to get here with a boat and a film crew... plus I love the When Harry Met Sally soundtrack." The line of succession is unclear as the kingdom could be divided amongst any of his three daughters: Princess Georgia, Sara or Cordelia.

2. Toxic Sludge Makes a Delicious Hot Sauce and Fossil Fuel - The toxic stew that now covers 60% of the Crescent City, while disease ridden, makes for a spicy compliment to poboys, red beans and rice and other regional cuisine. The sludge can also be used to power converted diesel engines, thus solving the gas crisis.

3. Kanye West "Bush Doesn't Care About Black People... but I Just Saved Money On My Car Insurance by Switching to GEICO" - When Kanye West went off-prompter during an NBC benefit concert for survivors of Katrina he said that "Bush Doesn't Care About Black People" and was then cutoff by the producer. West later explained that this was merely a segue for him to extoll the fiscal benefits of an insurance company that doesn't pay independent agents.

4. Geraldo attempts to excavate Louis Armstrong's tomb, eaten by alligators - Self-serving, gas-bag pseudo-journalist Geraldo Rivera was dispatched to New Orleans by pseudo-news source Fox News. After "borrowing" a few babies from evacuee mothers, Rivera hosted a special where he promised to unlock the secrets of Louis Armstrong's tomb. Unfortunately, the tomb was empty but for a few alligators which promptly tore him apart limb-from-limb.

5. Reliant center area renamed "Eckelsville" - In honor of Harris County Judge and Houston Homeland Security Chief Robert Eckels, the Reliant Center area has been named Eckelsville. The residents will be drinking Perry-a water and eating Mayor Bill White-bread lettuce and tomato sandwiches.

All joking aside, I've been proud of Texas and proud of Houstonians who have worked hard to care for the victims of this tragedy. I've been turned down for dates before, but this is the first weekend that I've been turned down after volunteering. There is still a lot of need out there and I suggest that, before you drive to the dome, you check with Volunteer Houston or the specific entity you plant to volunteer with.