Burnt Orange Report

BORed: My Jog With Tom Craddick

By Matt Hardigree

(Karl-T putting in some kind of disclaimer so that he doesn't get in trouble, explaining BORed) Eh, I don't know if I could begin to explain it. This column will be called BORed, a play off of the word it creates, as well as being exactly what it says it is, BOR editorial commentary. So please, don't sue us, that wouldn't be funny, which of course isn't all that different from this column. Happy Hump Day. -KT

I was asked to join Tom Craddick this morning to discuss his perceived image problem, which apparently extend beyond his significant breasts. Little did I know that it would be running away from the Capitol at full speed. I tried to explain to him that bloggers are lucky to exercise their fingers (though our wrists get a significant workout), and that's only if they umm... post everyday (which I don't). Also, he wanted me up at 7 a.m. To that I replied, "Up at 7 a.m.? I'm a blogger. I'm up until 7 a.m. saving the world by posting on Kos files" So with my trusty iPod microphone attachment I hit the road with Tom Craddick and I asked him a few questions along the way. The sacrifices I make for the twelve people who'll actually read all of this.

MLH: Good morning Tom!
TC: Keep your voice down, they'll find me!
MLH: Who'll find you?
TC: Them, the media.
MLH: Tom, why are you running from the Capitol?
TC: I'm from Midland, I know the stench of failure, and this place reeks of it.
MLH: The Governor has called special session after special session, we still have no answer for school finance, for property tax relief and yet we've passed pay raises for state legislators and the cheerleading bill.
TC: Yeah, obviously the hostile environment in the house has taken its toll. The Democrats won't budge and we've stripped them of as much of their voice as possible.

MLH: Dog shit.
TC: No, it's true.
MLH: No, on the ground
TC: That's not Dog doody, that's the Hochberg Amendment... hahahahaha.
MLH: The Hochberg Amendment is on your shoe.
TC: Crap.
MLH: As a leader, what do you think you do worst?
TC: Dewhurst? Where? That SOB only wants the governor to keep calling special sessions so he can keep the various staffers close by, if you know what I mean.
MLH: I think I do.
TC: Female staffers.
MLH: I get it.
TC:The younger the better.
MLH: I really get it. So why are you reaching out to bloggers?
TC: The new technology allows us to reach out to our most active and interested constituency.
MLH: Really?
TC: Is gullible in the dictionary?
MLH: So why are you really talking to bloggers?
TC: What do Cat Osterman and Greg Wythe have in common?
MLH: What?
TC: Softballs... he he he he.
MLH: Are you saying I wont ask you tough questions?
TC: Tough questions? You can barely breathe. I wish I could take Ratcliffe, Hoppe, Brooks and the whole bunch with me during these jogs.
MLH: You run from the Capitol often?
TC: As often as I can.
MLH: What do you think about the 2006 Gubernatorial Race?
TC: Perry all the way.
MLH: How do you know?
TC: Our wise forefathers created a weak executive in this state, and Rick Perry fulfills his constitutional obligation every day he doesn't accomplish something.
MLH: You think the Republicans will line up behind him?
TC: Sure, he makes us all look better. He makes Joe Nixon look like Martha Wong and Martha Wong look like Florence Shapiro.
MLH: I don't know what that means.
TC: Shoot, me neither.
MLH: Anything you want to add?
TC: Adios, MoMo.
MLH: MoFo.
TC: Whatever.

And that's where our interview ended. Speaker Craddick jumped into a hedge behind the Capital Metro building on Congress and made me continue jogging along to the bridge, to throw off any aides that might be trailing us. I couldn't help but feel closer to the man. Being Speaker of the Texas House of Representatives is a tough job, like being a high school teacher, except with better pay, a huge staff and newer books.