Originally posted at Letters From Texas
Dear Foreign Visitor:
As your guide to the sovereign state of Wackadoodleonia, welcome!
Yes, we realize you probably made your travel plans to “Texas” long before former Texas Governor Rick Perry, now the President And Supreme Commander of Wackadoodleonia, seceded and formed our own country. But despite this abrupt change, we think you'll find your stay here in Wackadoodleonia to be an enjoyable one.
We can't fault you for a bit of unease. We, too, thought at first that El Presidente Perry was kidding, when his comments suggested that he doesn't blame people a bit for wanting to secede from the United States of America – our neighbor to the North. But then, nationally-renowned statesmen Rush Limbaugh and Tom DeLay weighed in, the concept caught on, and the rest, as they say, is history.
We hope you will enjoy your time visiting Wackadoodleonia, but as with travel to any foreign country, a few precautions should be taken.
First, if you're traveling with children, please be aware that their health insurance coverage was declared null and void at our border. Please contact the Wackadoodleonia Department of Insurance for a rider which will cover your child during your visit. Unfortunately, coverage is very expensive here, when it's available at all, so good luck.
Also, please be aware that here in sunny Wackadoodleonia, we have instituted a “no tolerance” policy on crime, including instituting the death penalty for parking violations. There are no appeals, since there are no court houses. We tore them down after we deported all the lawyers. We now settle our disputes as a civilized and free people should – with guns.
We love our U.S. neighbors to the North. However, we must take issue with the border wall your country is now constructing, segregating us from the American states of Louisiana, Arkansas, Oklahoma, and New Mexico. Well, we don't mind the Oklahoma wall so much, but you get the point. Wackadoodleonians only want good paying jobs to feed their families; the fact that we are sneaking across the border into the U.S. is testament to your good-paying jobs and great employee benefits. Plus, we Wackadoodleonians are doing the jobs Americans don't want to do anyway. So please keep that in mind and try to be a little more sensitive, mmm-kay?
Also, as a U.S. visitor to Wackadoodleonia, please keep in mind that we have very strict laws against Americans voting in our elections. That's why we require that all voters show a valid Wackadoodleonia drivers license and an NRA Lifetime Membership card prior to being allowed to cast a vote for the Republican of their choice.
And finally – it's true what they say, “you can go to Wackadoodleonia, but don't drink the water!” Please note that even before Texas broke away from our oppressors to the North, Wackadoodleonia had the hightest amount of toxic chemicals released into our water anywhere in the U.S.
With those details aside, we hope you enjoy your stay, and hope you enjoyed Lee Greenwood's rousing “I'm Proud To Be A Wackadoodleonian” over the loudspeakers as you arrived at the airport! As President Perry says, “we're proud of Wackadoodleonia – how 'bout you?”
PS: we realize that we kind of messed up the whole look of the American flag when we withdrew from the Union. 49 stars instead of 50 just looks like crap – our bad. May we suggest that you take in Puerto Rico a state, if only to maintain the symmetry? Just a thought.