BOR Endorsements: 2008 UT Student Government Elections

by: Karl-Thomas Musselman

Wed Feb 27, 2008 at 04:10 AM CST

Having served a couple of times on the Daily Texan's mind numbingly tedious endorsement panel (no fault of their own- it was a lot of work to make an informed decision that 95% of the voters won't make themselves), I'm going to take the easy route this year and issue endorsement with as much thought as the typical student voter. Hey- at least there are competitive races to endorse in this year (after last year's 8% turnout for the uncontested SG slate).

This is going to be short and sweet, so lets get started at our attempt to stay relevant to our "Burnt Orange" roots. (Students: vote online here.)

President- Khrushchev Rajahmadinejad (Keshav Rajagopalan on your ballot)

Shocking all watchers, my vote (even though I've graduated and don't have one) goes to the establishment candidate because there is nothing more anti-establishment than once in a while, going for the obvious choice. We hear he'd be the first South Asian president which is a little odd because I didn't know there was a country called "South Asia". He's also a Friar which is good because SG will need someone who's handy with a George Foreman grill for that overly expensive annual SG retreat. That, and we hear he might actually stand up for students against the UT administration and the Lege, which would be nice, instead of being the usual bobbing head while the student body gets screwed.

Vice President- Frankie Muniz (Frankie Shulkin on your ballot)

SG needs more good looking Jewish men and Shulkin more than accomplishes the job. It's a shame we have to endorse his uncontested race because he gets his news from the Drudge Report (he refused our calls about whether he anything to do with that picture of Barack). It's ok though because we share 78 friends on facebook and he's cute and totally doesn't mind me pointing it out. A vote for Frankie is a vote for an SG leadership controlled by the Texas Coyboys. (Hey, at least it's not Tejas.) Anyways, he'll have big shoes to fill (though we're sure he'll fill the pants just fine).

More downballot endorsements to entertain below the fold!

Ben Trotter is President Emeritus of University Democrats. Like Marcus Ceniceros, we hope he wins his election to an SG seat so he can be a lone voice of sanity for liberals (along with the grad reps, fine arts, LBJ, and school of social work, natch). Plus, as a founder of the Christians United for Israel chapter at UT, we expect him to have the support of the adorable Frankie Shulkin.

Phillip Tau is running as a 5th wheel candidate on the CHANGE ticket. He's totally going to ride that Obama wave of change to victory. Good thing there is no one running on the HOPE ticket or else the universe might be torn asunder.

Two Year at Large- Eli Oldham & Zak Kinnaird

The highest vote getter in this category is going to be next year's president so this one is important y'all. DON'T BREAK TRADITION!!!

Eli Oldham is friggin' fabulous. As the Empower ticket's token homosexual candidate we think it would be spectacular to run up the score for him (because we all know, us gays score the most). We'd trust his hands on SG's gavel next year. He's the most attractive choice on the ballot (next to Shulkin).

Zak Kinnaird is running on the TRAVESTY! ticket. While we find capitalized ticket names very irritating, (Rule 6: KT will yell at you.) his filing statement actually inspires us. "I will speak for the voiceless student who sobs him or herself to sleep at night, waiting for a new breed of Two Year At Large." Unfortunately, the number of SG voters this statement applies to equals the number of people on the Daily Texan endorsement panel. Which is sad, because I don't think there even is one this year. Ouch.

Architecture- Anne Herdon

Uncontested so automatically lame in our book, we asked someone else. Apparently she's the "cat's pajamas". High praise? Whatever, it's Architecture. They have like, what, 140 people? We're just glad someone remembered them this year.

Business- Grant Stanis

You won't find him on your ballot, but believe us- he's there. Keep looking.

Communications- Whoever's NOT from Comm Council.

Enough of that shit thanks.

Education- Uncontested. BOORRRING!

Engineering- Scott Gloyna

Easy. Pick the Independent candidate who's on the ASME Rube Goldberg Team and and Eagle Scout. At least you know he's trustworthy, loyal, helpful, friendly, courteous, kind, obedient, cheerful, thrifty, brave, clean, and reverent.

Fine Arts- JAKE LEWIS OMG!!!!

It's a shame that the token homosexual slot was already taken up on the Empower ticket.  Knock my ruby slippers off Dorothy. Move over Shulkin- this one's a keeper. (call me)

Graduate School- Marina del Sol

While all you have to do is put your name down on the ballot to get elected for a graduate school spot in any given year, we will take one moment of seriousness to say YOU HAVE TO VOTE FOR Marina del Sol. Running on the "Students Against Tuition Hikes" ticket (oh you rapscallious grad reps), she's like the most awesome person ever. For reals.

Jackson School of GeoSciences- What the hell is this?

Law- Russell Murdock

So sue me Eliot Cotton- your bio says "I have never participated in Student Government". Leave that for the other filler representative seats.

LBJ Public Affairs- Barry Goldwater

HAHAHAHAHAHA. pwned.

Liberal Arts- Whatever.

Y'all still working on that "liberal arts community study space"? Like seriously, I bet you're all Government majors or on Liberal Arts Council. No one cares about the COLA which sucks- I was one of you. So long as you keep up the hate against the Plan II folks, you've done your job.

Natural Sciences- Whatever.

Just as big as Liberal Arts, there are just too many of you. And no, I still don't think that "Nati Sci" sounds cool but you can keep telling yourselves that.

Nursing & Pharmacy- Alessandra Ochoa

1) Please combine these representative seats. k thx.
2) Nepotism in SG rocks! (Just kidding former SG president Omar Ochoa).

Social Work- ?

Jeeze you people suck. I know it's like impossible to find a Social Work candidate but did you even try to find some hip young chick with black cat-eyed glasses? Was it because the token homosexual spots were already taken? Or was it because you couldn't find the School of Social Work way over there between the Rec Sport center and that god-damned talking oil pump?

Daily Texan Editor- Not Claire Harlin.

We can't seem to find the names of any candidates for Editor of the Daily Texan next year. We even looked on the Daily Texan website. Nada. Therefore we suggest that you write-in "Ben Heath, JJ Hermes, and AJ Bauer" because that's what I call a "threesome of awesome".