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Sat May 26, 2007 at 11:08 PM CDT
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| Some late night humor for all of your courtesy of Adrian Wapcaplet, Chair, Loco and Dissent Preservation Board. Full text in the extended entry... You may also wish to check out some great photoshops posted over at PinkDome today. The Puppetmaster The Craddicktator |
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Supplemental LOCO AND DISSENT Calendar
Sunday, May 27, 2007
12:00 p.m.
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HR 1 3R PAC
Relating to making a motion to vacate the chair due to its
responsibility for the disappointing state of the most
recent Loco and Dissent Calendar, which has suffered under
the stress and pressure of this session, and replacing it
with the following Supplemental Calendar to restore some
good old-fashioned humor back to the 80th Regular Session,
which has been the least fun session since anyone can
remember ...
HB 1 Ring To Rule Them All McCall/Pitts/Keffer/Hill,
Thompson, et al.
Relating to the speaker's chair, providing for it to be
referred to as "the precious," and how shiny and pretty it
looks to us. Yes, precious.
HR 2671 Smith of Tarrant
A resolution providing for training my staff to actually
read a resolution before filing one that does something
crazy, like, oh, I don't know, OUST THE SPEAKER?!?
HB 136 Cook of Navarro
Relating to, And I'll tell you ANOTHER thing, me and my
friends, we have had it up to HERE and we are gonna show
the speaker what is UP, right guys? (looks around) Uhhh,
guys? Where the hell did everyone go? Uhhh ... God bless
Texas. If anyone needs me, I'll be under my desk in the
fetal position.
HR 2003 Keel, Wilson
Relating to the Speaker going to the mattresses; providing
for the appointment of a wartime consigliere and his
assistant.
HB $1m Craddick
Relating to, seriously, folks, do you think Nadine is
REALLY going to let me just quit after she spent all those
other people’s money redecorating the speaker's apartment?
CSHB $1m Pitts, McCall
Relating to seriously, Nadine, these new drapes are
absolutely FABULOUS.
HB 44 Talton
Relating to the creation of a permanent Point of Order
chair to be placed at the back mic so I don't get so damn
tired dragging myself back and forth. Hey, at least then
I'd be the chairman of SOMETHING again!
CSHB 44 Dunnam
Relating to a point of order on Robert Talton, in that I'M
the one that's supposed to be the constant pain the
speaker's ass!
HB 14 Solomons/Wooley
Relating to our butt-prints in the speaker's chair;
communicating to Keffer, Hill, McCall, and the whole
insurgency that it really seems pretty easy to take over
the speaker's chair, you just have to hang out next to the
dais and he GIVES it to you for, like, two weeks at a time!
HB $3.99/pack Hodge
Relating to smoking on the House floor; providing for the
issuance of a certain finger to anyone who may not like it.
HB 2-drink minimum Eissler
SP: Brimer
Relating to the creation of an open-mic night from the
speaker's and lite guv’s dais; providing for a cover charge
at the front door of the House and Senate (and a metal
detector, in the case of the Senate).
HB Seagram’s 7 Geren
Relating to the creation of a sobriety checkpoint on the
floor of the House.
HB .08 Dutton
Relating to thinking that maybe all those mean things he
said about prosecutors on the House floor wasn't such a
good idea AFTER all. Providing for the expunction of all
of his statements about how prosecutors screw people over
and replacing them with a lot of nice words about pay
raises and more vacation time for prosecutors.
HB It-goes-to-11 Laubenberg/Zedler/Thompson
Relating to having difficulty controlling THE VOLUME OF MY
VOICE.
HB 1098 Perry
Relating to figuring out what a guy has to do to catch a
break with this legislature. I mean, c'mon! I LITERALLY
offered a cure for cancer and couldn't get the votes!
HB 1.21 Gigawatts King of Parker
Relating to something about electricity and other stuff
that you're probably better off not trying to figure out or
understand; providing a moratorium against Bryan McCall or
Robert Talton from EVER going to the back mic again while
I'm laying out a bill.
HB 1-800-I-HATE-SPRINT Smithee
Relating to the establishment of cellular telephone
coverage in hell.
HB 1200 Menendez
Relating to certain (and by certain I mean one) police
labor unions; providing for their indentured servitude to
certain (and by certain I mean just one as well) other
police labor unions. (C'mon, man. Three bills all aimed
at screwing over only one organization and all at the
request of just one OTHER organization ... it's a little
much, don't you think?)
HB ESPN2 Coleman/Berman
Relating to the House Ultimate Fighting Championship;
providing for the creation of "The Octagon" on the House
floor and creating a pay-per view event (no reason for
everyone to get another free view like before).
HB 100 Moreno/Jones
Creating the creation of the Grumpy Old Guy's caucus;
providing for the telling of long, long, long winded
stories about how things were better back in the old days,
general ramblings, frowning, and screaming at neighborhood
kids to "get the hell off my lawn!"
HB 1824 Moreno
Relating to white people; providing for their expunction
and the creation of a new state flag that looks
suspiciously identical to the Mexican flag.
HB 777 The Lord God Almighty
Relating to a shout-out to Reps Riddle, Raymond, Howard,
Chisum, and Sen. Patrick for all the free publicity this
session; providing a reminder to Lon Burnam that hell is
really, really hot.
HB c. 1978 Burnam/King/Coleman/Haggerty/Taylor/
et al.
Realting to the creation of the House Porn 'Stache
Coalition. Providing for gettin' it ON!
HB 2567 Bonnen
Relating to declaring Lon Burnam's moustache a Superfund
clean-up site.
HB 218 Brown of Kaufman
Relating to requiring a diner to present proof of
identification before ordering a hamburger in Athens, the
Home of the Hamburger.
CSHB 218 PETA
Requiring Betty Brown to certify that those hamburgers are
made of BEEF and not some OTHER four-legged friend, if you
know what we mean ...
HB 10 Hartnett
Relating to how the only good Injun is a dead Injun.
CSHB 10 Chavez
Relating to how the only good Will Hartnett is a Will
Hartnett with a Harley Davidson-sized tire mark across his
skinny white ass.
HB 2683 Chisum
Relating to requiring an optional premarital education
course before a person can join me on the Conference
Committee.
HB 0 Burnam
Relating to ALMOST getting this mainstay off the Loco
calendar, but falling short 'cause it turns out there's a
whole OTHER chamber on the other side of the Capitol you
have to get to vote for your bill before it becomes law.
Who knew?
HR 1997 Gallego
A memorial resolution commemorating the year in which I was
last seen smiling. C’mon, do it just once, dammit! Just
once, and it doesn't have to go on the Loco and Dissent
calendar ... Every. Single. Year ! Puppies! Kittens!
Laughing babies! There's so much to be happy about Pete,
so please, throw us a bone!
HB 69 The Strippers of Texas
Relating to listen here, Cohen, we don't come to YOUR
workplace and charge people a tax at the door!
HB Army-of-One Vaught/Corte/Noriega/Escobar/Isett
et al.
Relating to the manufacturing of our very own GI Joe action
figures bearing our likeness (oh man, that'd be sweet!
"Vaught, now with Kung-Fu grip!")
HB 1598 Dunnam
Relating to having more conspiracy theories than Oliver
Friggin' Stone! The governor and TYC, the speaker's race
and abortion bills and HB 1, the Local and Consent calendar
and Charlie Howard ... are there really that many black
helicopters in Waco?
HB 911 Eiland
Relating to, did we mention those Chambers County oysters
might be a little skunky?
HB 1971 Escobar
Relating to my service on the Border Patrol and Vietnam;
providing that everything I say is going to eventually get
back to some anecdote about one of these two events. Hey,
that reminds me of this one time, when I was in the Border
Patrol ...
HB 4140 Chief Clerk
Relating to the insane total number of bills filed in the
house (and that's not counting HJRs and HCRs!). Look guys,
I get it. People need MUD districts, but DAMN! I gotta
get out of the office sometime!
HB 1819 Hamilton
Relating to a break-up of the '70s super-duo formerly known
as Coffee & Cream now that she killed one of my bills.
HB Joel Osteen
Relating to needing my DNA back from Kelly Hancock.
HB 13 Herrero
Relating to being so excited about calling my first point
of order that I didn't realize what I was doing. Sorry,
Chairman Swinford. (Like it mattered, since the Senate
added at least three when it came back!)
HR 879 Kolkhorst
A resolution recognizing me for being hired as the new
coach of the UT women's basketball team.
SB 1445 Patrick
Relating to, why does everyone always walk away when I try
to join their conversations on the Senate floor? C'mon,
guys, won't someone talk to me? Please? I'll give you
your own radio show!
HB 1892 Krusee
Relating to how I told everyone not to vote to concur on HB
1892. See? SEE what happens when you DISOBEY me?
HB 1678 Madden
Relating to my new "Hug-A-Thug" program.
SB 909 Whitmire/Hodge/Madden
Relating to sunsetting the TDCJ, replacing it with
uniformed hall monitors, and trusting that convicts already
feel REALLY bad about the things they've done and they
PROMISE to not do it again.
SB 31 Whitmire
Relating to my best friends and the different ways I will
take your ass DOWN if you insult them on the Senate floor.
SB 007 Dewhurst
Relating to reminding Whitmire about my years in the CIA;
providing that I still remember one or two of my James Bond
moves, so keep your distance there, Boogie!
HB 1-and-done Frost/Hernandez/Gonzalez-Toureilles
Relating to placing the Jack Stick Memorial Stepping Stool
behind the front mic so everyone can see us when we address
the body.
HB 40 Pena
Relating to rocks, hard places, and always seeming to end
up between them.
SB 3 Averitt
SP: Puente
Relating to, it's WATER people. It's just freaking WATER!
Jesus H. Christ, how many different ways can we amend
WATER!
HB 28 Berman
Relating to the creation of the offense of giving illegal
aliens a job, an education, medical care, a car ride, food,
water, shade, a cool breeze, or air; providing criminal
penalties.
HR 29 Riddle
Commending Leo Berman for keeping an eye on all those damn
illegals for me while I was busy putting pedophiles and
horny teenagers to death and making sure people can beat
orphans. I'll get back to my regular job of hating
Mexicans next session. Thanks again for picking up the
slack, Leo!
HB 8 Riddle
Actually, it's by Gattis. It's just still got my name on
it somehow.
HB 1433 Woolley
Alright, everyone together now: Madame Speaker, it's
pronounced "AHW-THER," dammit!
HB 416 Strama
Relating to making a mental note not to file any more bills
about bathrooms.
HB 2003 Laney
Relating to, is it too late for me to be speaker again?
HB 2007 Keffer
Relating to, no, seriously, is it too late for Laney to be
speaker again?
HB 2009 Craddick
Relating to, I’ll be back ...
©2007, The Loco and Dissent Preservation Board |
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