Why Is Dan Patrick Such a Pussy?

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Last night, Donald Trump’s Texas campaign chair, also known as our fearless dear leader Dan Patrick, issued a statement “condemning” the video of Trump bragging about his sexual assault moves to Billy Bush. Here’s what the lite guv had to say:

There is absolutely no excuse ever to talk about women in such a crude and demeaning way. He was certainly right to apologize. But we can’t let this firestorm distract voters from the frightening policies revealed today in the WikiLeaks of Hillary’s emails, including her “dream” of “open trade and open borders,” which would spell ruin for the future of our country.

Patrick followed the old switcheroo playbook. It’s a classic “I know you are but what am I?” but the wording is a little heavy handed. “Spell ruin?” Seriously, you can’t come up with a scarier verb, Dan? It’s October. Readers expect your A game in fear.

What this statement really tells us is that Dan Patrick is a pussy. He’s afraid to make a statement that would actually mean something. He doesn’t stand up for his Christian values, which certainly must tell him that treating women this way, behaving in a predatory manner is not how Christian men act. Or, at least it’s not how they’re supposed to act. Nope, he just says that what Trump said was crude and demeaning. Hey Dan, let me fill you in on something: we women hear crude and demeaning shit all the time. From around the age 11 or so. We’re used to it. Plus, we like to fuck and we have pussies. We’re not upset about the language.

Let me correct that. We are upset about one word in particular.

We’re upset about the grabbing.

Frankly, upset does not begin to cover it. We are enraged. We are furious. We are rising up. We are at war against men who boast about grabbing our pussies. Or kissing us when we don’t want them to. Or grinding on us while we’re dancing. Or slipping us roofies. Or raping us.

And then telling us it was all in our heads.

Patrick condemns how Trump talks about women, but he doesn’t say a single word about how he acts, in the video or any place else. According to Patrick, it’s the talk that’s terrible, not the behavior. His statement actually treats the talk as the behavior. There’s no mention of the grabbing. Which means there’s no problem with it.

Let’s not forget that Trump talks about a specific woman, whom we actually watch as he forces her to hug him and his perky young ward. Dan Patrick says nothing about that part. I guess that’s ok, too.

Why can’t Dan Patrick say that all of it is wrong? Would that make him less of a man? Does being loyal to Donald Trump trump protecting Texas women from the actual grabbers and kissers and leerers and rapists out there?

Why is Dan Patrick such a pussy? What is he so fucking afraid of?

To be fair, it was promoted as a “statement regarding @realDonadTrump and @HillaryClinton.”  That’s right, the chair of the Texas Trump campaign tweeted his condemnation (natch). Dan Patrick’s too much of a pussy to even post this statement on his Facebook wall or send out a press statement. He issued his statement on Twitter, as a jpeg file. Perhaps you’d like to comment on it right now. #DanPatrickIsAPussy

Last note: While I appreciate the choice of the by-now hackneyed term “firestorm” to describe the yesterday’s political shit show, I’d suggest you find another word. Because here’s what people like me see when we hear the word “firestorm” coming from you:

via GIPHY

The cat’s out of the bag.

 

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2 Comments

  1. He doesn’t deserve to be called a pussy. He’s not strong, magnicient, nor lifegiving. Anatomically speaking, he’s really more of an asshole, because the shit just keeps on coming out. #takebackpussy

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