Following its success at manipulating local government in Austin, tech giant Uber has announced plans to move forward with new app to bring intervention in local policy to the masses. The new app, tentatively titled Coup-ber is currently being beta tested in small U.S. metro areas like Reno and Des Moines, with a full launch planned for later this year.
“Disrupt everything, that’s our motto,” said Uber spokesman Chad Starnes. “We disrupted the idea that paying someone to drive you somewhere is a taxi service. We disrupted the idea that our company is obligated to consider people who work for us employees, let alone pay them a living wage or benefits. Now we’re disrupting the idea that government officials elected by the people should make rules to protect public safety — that’s a corporation’s job.”
Added Starnes, “Through Coup-ber, we’re giving that corporation’s voice to the people, by giving them the tools to deliver the message that we tell them to. All through a tap of their smartphones. That’s how empowerment works in the 21st century.”
Tech journalists have praised Uber for their expansion into a new side of the sharing economy. As startup blogger Mikey Louis noted, “Uber has always resided in this interstitial mindspace between innovation and energy. Now they are bringing hyper-cloud-based network growth to a new frontier. I can’t wait to see what they disrupt next.”
When asked about how the idea for Coup-ber came about, Starnes recalled Uber’s experience in Austin. “So the Austin City Council wanted us to background check and fingerprint our drivers for safety or some such,” explained Starnes. “We asked the woman who works at Uber whether those actually work, and she said no. Besides, we don’t want to spend extra money if we don’t have to, and there’s no reason a two-bit local government should get to tell us what to do.”
Uber is experimenting with several new features in the Coup-ber app, including:
- Instant Recall, which automatically generates a petition so you can recall anyone in your life we don’t like. All you have to do is fill in their name.
- Zero Sum Game, which will confiscate your phone if you don’t download Coup-ber and follow its instructions to the letter.
Uber ultimately hopes to expand Coup-ber beyond local governments to state and federal ones. They are hopeful that the new app will streamline the old system of lobbying and bribes favored by old economy corporations.
Uber spokesman Starnes expressed his excitement for the next phase of Uber’s growth. “Think about it this way: the government is old, it’s slow, it’s the establishment. It’s not a way for people to have their voices heard. Markets, on the other hand, empower every individual to express themselves. What’s more progressive than that?”
As for Starnes, after Coup-ber launches, he plans to return to his former position as a political staffer who pretends to understand the Bernie Sanders campaign.
This post was published on April 1, 2016 as part of BOR’s annual observation of April Fools Day. Posts published on this day are satirical and in no way report actual events (except for how closely they resemble actual events).