All You Need To Survive Thanksgiving in One Post

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UT v. Texas Tech doesn’t start until 6:30 in the evening on Thanksgiving. You’ve got an entire day of coping with various parents, aunts and uncles, cousins, and grandparents—and maybe even the in-laws of your in-laws—so don’t go in unprepared.

Leave this post open in the browser on your phone or tablet, and you’ll always be ready with a response, no matter what level of ignorance and vitriol gets thrown at you by the member of your family most likely to be mistaken for a GOP presidential contender’s social media intern.

If they say New Orleans has been overrun with a ship-load of Syrians sent there by the State Department, intent on striking Bourbon Street …

you say that Gov. Jindal himself, now that he’s got a little extra time, confirmed with the White House that Louisiana this year has taken in only 14 Syrian refugees …

and you show them what really keeps the cops busy in NOLA:

If they say fighter jets scrambled over Houston after the Paris attacks …

you calmly inform them that those 3 low-flying plans in tight formation were a planned test flight announced in advance by NASA …

and you show them:

Snoopy_vs_the_Red_Baron_Great_Pumpkin (1)

If they are a-frothin’ with the news that Greg Abbott says ISIS operatives we caught crossing the border …

you can assure them that, in fact, two families presented themselves to immigration authorities at the border in order to initiate an asylum claim …

and you show them:

que cat gif

If they swear up, down, and sideways that they are not on your life going to take that trip they have planned to Martinique because terrorists are targeting the French …

you should point out that a) car accidents kill way more Americans abroad than terrorist attacks, not to mention heart disease, and that b) no one will ever mistake Cousin Eddie for a Frenchman:

Cousin Eddie Merry Xmas

When someone inevitably declares that a certain unhinged real estate mogul is just saying what everyone else is thinking and is a hero for our times …

you should remind them of said real estate mogul’s cribs his policies from neo-Nazis when he’s not flat-out lying

and suggest maybe you should all go take a postprandial stroll right after you look at this:

corgis on treadmill

If one of them starts any sentence with “Ben Carson says … “

then you should start flinging spoonfuls of mashed potatoes at everyone else at the table while shouting ‘Twas brillig, and the slivy toves did gyre and gimble in the wabe, etc., in a Crocodile Dundee accent, because that makes about as much sense as anything Ben Carson says

and then mesmerize everyone with:

If anyone, anyone, takes a deep breath and starts in on Hillary Clinton …

you should immediately remind them that not one, but two House Republicans admitted that the Benghazi hearings were purely political, and let them know that those hearings have racked up costs north of $5 million dollars …

and when they sputter at you, because sputter they will, try a little number like:

HRC brushes off shoulder

When your grandfather, who has been trapped watching Fox News because the battery in the remote control died 9 years ago, starts to rail against that socialist from Vermont …

ask him whether he’s cashing his social security check, drawn from a program that accounts for 24% of federal budget spending …

then just hand him your iPad and tell him you’ll be glad to discuss this further with him after he watches this:

Finally, if anyone refers to the president as Barry Hussein Obama …

hand them the video to watch when your grandfather is done with the iPad, then remind them that Franklin Delano Roosevelt, elected four times, is the reason we have presidential term limits …

but also assure them that President Obama respects the 22nd amendment …

then show them they are powerless to resist his charms and make them click on the picture for even more unbearable cuteness:

Photo by Pete Souza for The White House via Facebook

Photo by Pete Souza for The White House via Facebook

There you have it. There it is.

We believe in you. You can do this. You can make it through Thanksgiving without losing your squash, literally or figuratively, because of your rabid right-wing relatives.

But one last tip, in case you need to stall while the wifi is buffering—compliment your great-aunt’s ambrosia and ask for a second helping. Even if it means eating the first helping. American democracy and civil discourse depends upon it.

 

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About Author

Andrea Greer

Andrea, an activist, fundraiser, feminist, writer, and baker, is not as tall as you think she is. She's been at this a long time, and wants to know what you are doing to make the pie higher and raise more hell. Her mother would like you to know she's got a law degree.

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