Let’s be honest. If you actually played along with any of the GOP debate drinking games last night, why are you even on the internet right now?
You need to stay in bed and recover from your hangover. Maybe consider IV rehydration.
We’ll help you ease back in, when you’re ready, with some 140-character summaries of what went down in Cleveland last night.
Best tweet of the night?
Lenny Kravitz's penis slipped out on stage? So what? Wait for the GOP Debate on tonight – there will be 10 dicks on stage!
— Bette Midler (@BetteMidler) August 6, 2015
Folks were, um, a-twitter over just how outrageously offensive Donald Trump would be. You could bank on him registering pretty high on the scale, a fact that Eat24—whose mission statement is to keep you from having to cook, shop or wear pants—made a big bet on:
When Donald Trump says ‘Mexico’ we give you Free Tacos http://t.co/EYLegutBTq
— Eat24 (@Eat24) August 5, 2015
When it came to taco jokes, though, is anyone surprised that Congressman Joaquin Castro nailed it?
— Joaquin Castro (@Castro4Congress) August 7, 2015
Women were barely mentioned. Three were named:
- Rosie O’Donnell
- Hillary Clinton
- Carly Fiorina
The Megyn Kelly/Donald Trump exchange reminded us why the GOP has a serious problem with most women:
Megyn Kelly asks Donald Trump about him calling women pigs, dogs, and slobs. He answers: "Only Rosie O’Donnell"
— Talking Points Memo (@TPM) August 7, 2015
Rosie, doing the smart thing and ignoring last night’s GOP Smackdown, has only been tweeting about one politician lately, and it ain’t Trump. She’s enthralled, it seems, with everyone’s favorite singing Federalist:
Can you imagine 200 years from now, people queuing to get into the Broadway premier of Trump The Musical?
Totally kidding, of course. Broadway will be completely underwater 200 years from now. Not that you would have known that’s even a possibility from listening to the candidates last night:
— andrea grimes (@andreagrimes) August 7, 2015
The GOP punditry seems to have awarded the sash and crown from last night to the only woman on the stage, Carly Fiorina:
— National Review (@NRO) August 7, 2015
Allow me to suggest a topic for your next long, lazy afternoon with friends and copious quantities of the adult beverage of your choice: will the GOP reprise 2008 with a cranky white guy at the top of the ticket and a token woman as VP, and if so, compare and contrast The Thrilla from Wasila with the Queen Bee of HP.
Yeah, I know. The GOP really doesn’t want to spend any time talking about women either.
Two other women were on people’s minds, but the GOP candidates dared not speak their names:
— Alison Turkos (@alisonturkos) August 7, 2015
Rand tried to make a point but I’m not sure anyone other than Houstonians knew what on earth that point was:
— Lisa Falkenberg (@ChronFalkenberg) August 7, 2015
I feared/predicted we’d get at least one #AllLivesMatter last night, but if you think talk about women was lacking …
— The Hill (@thehill) August 7, 2015
The moderators tried to get it in, but …
— Baratunde (@baratunde) August 7, 2015
The Straight Outta Compton trailer that just came on spent more time on police brutality than the #GOPDebate did.
— Not Bill Walton (@NotBillWalton) August 7, 2015
The debate, in the end, told us nothing new about the policies or politics of any of the candidates. It was part The Bachelor, part Hunger Games, and part audition for who will get the most lucrative talk show offers once the campaign is over.
Mike Huckabee, for my money, was the most over the top and/or the best at memorizing made-for-RT’ing zingers:
Huckabee: "Illegals, pimps, prostitutes, drug dealers" are stealing from the system. A real thing said at a presidential debate. #GOPDebate
— Melissa McEwan (@Shakestweetz) August 7, 2015
"The purpose of the military is to kill people and break things." Huckabee just said that. And he's being violently transphobic. #GOPDebate
— Brittney Cooper (@ProfessorCrunk) August 7, 2015
By far, his most head-scratching comment:
— Gov. Mike Huckabee (@GovMikeHuckabee) August 7, 2015
Yes, well, the president would have to be the one to invoke the 5th for the unborn children … what with them being UNBORN and literally not able to take part in any activity that would trigger any of the protections under the amendment.
Somebody needs to count and compare how many times Ronald Reagan’s name came up, but for once, it seems, God was mentioned more often. In fact, Megyn Kelly threw us to the final commercial break with what sounded like a promise that the supreme being was about to make a surprise appearance.
Turns out, it wasn’t god, but a question from
Jake, from State Farm some guy on the internet:
Last question from an idiot at home: "I want to know if any of them have received a word from God on what they should do?" #GOPDebate
— Dan Savage (@fakedansavage) August 7, 2015
In other words, do any of you hear voices? Because it seems like that might be something we should know about someone who wants to be president.
No one ‘fessed up. But everyone got real Jesus-y.
Like the candidates, I’d planned a zinger for my closing statement:
OK, I can quote Reagan, too. "Our long national nightmare is over." That was a long debate! #GOPdebate
— Andrea (@nonsequiteuse) August 7, 2015
Tune in September 16th to find out if Carly will get called up to the big kids’ table, and if our smirking but well-coiffed ex-gov really did get a vision of his future as he departed:
"Done, done, done, done, done," @GovernorPerry repeats as advisers shuttle him out of the spin room as reporters still ask questions.
— Patrick Svitek (@PatrickSvitek) August 6, 2015