Note: as it clearly states at the bottom of this post, this is an April Fools Day post, and as of right now there is no bill filed requiring hymen inspections. However. the Republicans’ efforts to slash funding for cancer screening and divert STD prevention funds to abstinence programs is all too real.
Women who want to receive state-funded health care in Texas will need to either produce a marriage certificate or subject themselves to a visual inspection of their hymen in order to see a doctor, if Republican State Rep. Molly White has her way.
“The best way we can ensure that women will abide by our strong commitment to abstinence is to actually verify it,” stated White, who filed the Hymen Integrity Act of 2015 on Tuesday afternoon.
While the bill does not require unmarried women to present an intact hymen to receive health care, those who present signs of sexual activity, horseback riding and / or natural variations in the human form will be given a “Women’s Right To Hymen” pamphlet pointing out that pre-marital sex raises their risk of cancer and makes them a dirty, dirty slut of whom God, their parents, and their teachers are very, very ashamed.
The bill is in keeping with White’s opposition to any medically or scientifically proven methods to reduce unwanted pregnancy and prevent sexually transmitted diseases. The website of her organization, “Women for Life,” actually states that “reproductive rights, family planning and safe sex is the greatest hoax ever devised against women and families.”
The bill’s Senate companion is sponsored by Dr. Donna Campbell, who shares White’s unwavering commitment to antiquated attitudes towards sexuality when she’s not busy trying to pass laws that actively punish gay Texans for existing.
Campbell, who also sponsored the junk-science “Fetal Pain” bill that helped ban abortions in Texas after 20 weeks, cheered the measure. “As a board-certified ophthalmologist I feel very qualified to put my medical training to work inspecting the hymens of the young ladies of Texas.”
Opposition to the bill came swiftly from public health advocacy organizations.
“You’ve got to be kidding me!” stated a spokesperson for Planned Parenthood of Central Texas. “Thousands of women are going to die from lack of basic cancer screenings and thousands more are facing the burden of unwanted pregnancies that result from a lack of access to birth control, and you crazy nuts think the answer is to inspect hymens?!”
White made headlines earlier this year when she attempted to hijack Muslim American Day at the Capitol to broadcast her own bigoted views about the faith.
Since then, the freshman legislator has remained undeterred. “My two priorities in the legislature are stopping Sharia Law and promoting abstinence. These hymen inspections are a great way to accomplish both at the same time.”
This is an April Fool’s Day post, in keeping with BOR’s long-standing tradition of posting “fake” news on the First of April. But honestly other than the parts about hymens everything else here is true. The legislature is trying to slash funding for basic cancer screenings, and last night voted to move the funds from an HIV/AIDS prevention program to more abstinence-only education. And Molly White is afraid of scientifically accurate sex education.
The Texas Legislature may be a parody of itself at this point. Unfortunately, the joke’s on people who need access to health care.