Texas Attorney General Greg Abbott Says, 'YOLO', Comes Out In Support Of Gay Marriage

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Ed Note: Check the date on this post…

Attorney General Greg Abbott has been one of the state's most adamant opponents of LGBT rights, going as far as promising to continue to uphold Texas' now ruled-unconstitutional marriage ban despite his long-time friend being one of the gay plaintiffs in the lawsuit. This same friend flew to be by Abbott's bedside when Abbott suffered the horrible accident that left him paralyzed below the waist.

But it seems Abbott has now experienced a change of heart.

“I had an epiphany this morning when I looked at myself in the mirror,” Abbott admitted to the Associated Press. “I thought, “Gosh, Mark (Phariss) and Victor (Holmes) make such a cute couple. They've been happily in love for over sixteen years now. It'd be such a shame if I were the person standing between their love and the true happiness of all other LGBT couples in Texas.”

“Look, this whole governor gig thing may not play out as smoothly as I thought it would, with me seriously offending someone new every week. I just don't want to be forever known as that guy who stood against the love of his long-time friend and the rest of the thousands of LGBT couples in Texas simply looking to be treated like everyone else. That sounds like the bad guy in a James Cameron movie.”

“Mark was there for me and my wife during one of the most critical moments of my life. The man literally dropped everything he was doing in order to provide friendship and support for me and my wife during such challenging of times. He expressed genuine concern and empathy towards me and my family, like any decent human being does towards another,” Abbott said. “It was like being gay didn't prevent him from being a good person.”

“I contacted Mark immediately after I made my decision to support marriage equality. I said to him, heck, I'll even be the best man at your wedding,” Abbott said, contemplating on the immense likelihood that this wedding title might be the highest position he'll obtain after this year's elections.  

Democrats and young Republicans welcomed Abbott's support for marriage equality.

“It's about time,” said essentially every Democrat and young Republican in the state.

When asked about Abbott's sudden decision to support marriage equality, Governor Rick Perry said Abbott “may not be heartless, after all.” Perry reverted to the same language he used during the 2012 Republican primary debates when supporting in-state tuition for Dreamers, hinting at his own possible future marriage equality endorsement. After all, the majority of Americans already support marriage equality.

Texas U.S. Senator Ted Cruz promised he'd filibuster Abbott's support for marriage equality in whatever possible way there exists, while Senator John Cornyn nodded along in agreement in the back.  

When asked whether his support for marriage equality meant he had also progressed on other important issues affecting Texans — such as equal pay for women, immigration reform, health care, etc. — Abbott simply laughed and said, “No, I'm still a Republican.”

This is an April Fools' Day post. Unfortunately, it is not true. But imagine if it were!

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About Author

Omar Araiza

Staff writer Omar Araiza covers immigration, Latino voters, the U.S.-Mexico border, and LGBT issues. He is a proud South Texas native, born and raised in the lower Rio Grande Valley. Omar tweets from @AraizaTX.

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