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Jimmy "The Rent Is Too Damn High!" McMillan Declares Candidacy for Austin Mayor

by: Katherine Haenschen

Tue Apr 01, 2014 at 01:00 PM CDT

In a surprise move, former candidate for Mayor of New York and 2012 Presidential candidate Jimmy McMillan has filed a treasurer and announced his intentions to run for Mayor of Austin on behalf of his "The Rent is Too Damn High!" party.

Seeing as rents are actually too damn high in Austin, McMillan is expected to gain immediate traction in the race, and is particularly well suited to appeal to the 80% of probable voters this fall who have never bothered to cast a ballot in an Austin City Council election before.

Though it is unlikely that his rent party will gain enough signatures to earn its own line on the ballot, McMillan remains undaunted. When informed that he did not meet the residency criteria for the race, McMillan replied, "Residency criteria? I can't afford to live in a $800 85-square-foot studio apartment that's a 45 minute drive from anywhere in Austin!"

At press time he had already earned the endorsement of the Austin Facial Hair Club.

More on McMillan's platform below the jump.

McMillan is expected to have a unique draw on the majority of Austinites who have watched their rent skyrocket over the last ten years.

"The rent on my crappy apartment has gone up 37% over the last seven years!" exclaimed one area political blogger who shall remain nameless. "And I can't really afford the gasoline or additional commuting time if I move much further out. McMillan's right: the rent is too damn high."

Map of areas where Austinites under 35 find
cost of living increasingly unaffordable.
"I have no more expendable income to fuel our economy since all of my wages go to rent, groceries, car payments, and my crippling student loans!" said all of her friends who have been forced to chase 'affordability' further and further towards the edges of the city, resulting in soul-sucking commutes and more pollution as a result of our increasingly car-centric transportation system.

"The rent is too damned high. We need tens of thousands of units in every sector of the city to keep pace with growth."

McMillan offered a sweeping array of policy proposals that he would enact as mayor, which can all be summed up as follows:

Build enough housing to at least keep pace with demand, liberalize construction of garage apartments and in-fill development, and enable densification of the center city where people can live more environmentally sustainable lifestyles that aren't as car-dependent.

The Austin Nattering Neighbobs Council immediately moved to endorse a vote against McMillan, suggesting that such policies of actually providing ample places to live for the people that are here and continue to come here would only result in actual affordability, and that building a wall with a moat full of alligators was a more effective way of controlling housing costs and preventing anything approximating change.

"Harrumph!" said a generation of people who never faced the psychological trauma of escalating higher education costs, insurmountable student loans, diminished employment opportunity, and a soaring cost of living that actually makes Austin pretty hostile to young people, as a matter of fact.

"Young folks these days! Wanting to get an education, save a little for retirement, and maybe even own a home, all while having a reliable form of transportation. Well, I tell ya, that's just not American!"

McMillan was confident that his campaign would inspire younger voters to actually give a damn about municipal races, and discussed his plans to engage and organize the largest age cohort of Austin's population. "I'm actually going to speak directly with this broad segment of the electorate and make a clear case for why I'm the best candidate to protect their quality of life," he stated, while knocking back a Lone Star.

"Hell, I might actually give them the quality of life they all moved here for."

This is an April Fools' Day post. Unfortunately, it is not real. But imagine if it were!

Copyright Burnt Orange Report, all rights reserved.
Do not republish without express written permission.

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Go back to the Fredericksburgs, Chicagos, and New Yorks of the world, BOR.  Problem solved.

Would like to see somebody real like Jimmy McMillan run against Martinez, other than just Adler.

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