Texas Alliance for Life To Lobby For Education Funds, Medicaid Expansion, Access to Birth Control

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Ed. Note: Check the date on the post…

The post-born are at least as worthy of saving as those who never take a breath of air.

In a move that is being praised for its ideological consistency with advocacy for all living human beings, today the Texas Alliance for Life, a statewide organization dedicated to promoting life, announced an expansion of their policy agenda in the 2015 legislative session.

“We're dedicating ourself to policies that will truly support the living here in Texas, and calling on the Legislature to restore cuts to education, expand Medicaid, and increase access to birth control,” stated executive director Joe Pojman.

TAL was also preparing to call for a moratorium on the death penalty, as Texas has the highest number of executions of any state. Since 1982, 512 previously alive individuals have been executed by lethal injection in Texas.

The move was celebrated by Democrats and independents alike, as well as a broad coalition of faith leaders, criminal justice reformers, and consumer advocates.

Read more below the jump about what inspired TAL's conversion.“We are an ideologically consistent organization, one which is as concerned — if not more concerned about the health and well-being of the living here in Texas,” stated Pojman. “Yet somehow over the years we've been unfairly stereotyped as an organization that is 100% focused on punishing women who have sex. It's time for that to change — the 26 million Texans who are already here need to be considered equally important as those not yet conceived.”

“I mean, heck!” Pojman exclaimed, “Tens of thousands of Americans die each year from a basic lack of health insurance. We need to protect the sanctity of life for those who have actually made it past a cervix!”

The move was met with shock from Democratic legislators and moderate Republicans alike, who have all tangled with TAL's endorsement questionnaire in the past, which asks about human cloning and overturning Roe v. Wade.

“Personally, I welcome TAL to the side of the aisle that cares about providing health care, funding public education, and actually caring for the living,” stated Democratic State Representative Garnet Coleman. “Now let's see what we can do about expanding Medicaid.”

These people will now continue to advocate for babies even after they're born.

TAL said they would be adopting a broadly pro-life platform that included access to health care, restoring the remaining billions of cuts to public education, and even advocating for expanded access to not only pre-natal care but also birth control, to prevent unwanted pregnancies in the first place.

“Sadly, the Republican legislature has vastly diminished the quality of life for those among the living here in Texas,” stated public policy director Dina Meyer. “The cuts to public education and college grants diminish opportunity, while the erosion of access to basic health care decreases healthy outcomes. And don't even get me started on what the refusal to expand Medicaid is doing to the poorest of Texans.”

“I mean, look, we want to prevent abortions, which means we need to prevent unwanted pregnancies,” explained Meyer. “I can't understand why it took us so long to figure this out — it's too bad there wasn't a mountain of scientific and public policy research to guide us until now.”

At press time, TAL was also exploring a push to divert their legions of volunteers towards blocking access to prisons where executions are performed, and using their powerful political reach to publicly shame pharmacies that provide execution drugs to the state.

When asked for comment, Texas Right To Life was unable to respond, as they were busy planning a funeral for the 30 to 50% of fertilized eggs that never implant in the uterine lining and are flushed out with the menstrual cycle.

“It's a genocide!” cackled their fundraising director. “The basic functions of Texas women's anatomies must be stopped! That Dewhurst guy was on to something when he seized all those tampons.”

This is an April Fools' Day post. Unfortunately, it is not true. But imagine if it were!


About Author

Katherine Haenschen

Katherine Haenschen is a PhD candidate at the University of Texas, where she studies political participation on digital media. She previously managed successful candidate, issue, voter registration, and GOTV campaigns in Central Texas. She is also a fan of UCONN women's basketball and breakfast tacos.

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