Because the Internet isn't already teeming with privileged white man-children mansplaining how to deal with women, Thor Lund recently penned a blog post describing his mommy issues and pick-up artist tips. (If you think Thor Lund is a hilly region of the Netherlands, you're wrong, but you're not alone. In actuality, he holds the elite title of “former student body president of The University of Texas.”)
The blog post, titled “What I've learned about Women,” is absolutely brimming with sage advice (“Confuse them. Honestly they deserve it”) and wistful tales of vomiting on Dirty Sixth.
Throughout his post, his offensive remarks are shrouded in paternalistic claims that he loves women. However, Thor talks about loving women the same way I imagine he would talk about loving a fine pair of leather Sperry topsiders or a spunky golden retriever. Women are objects that validate his own self-worth, not individuals with inherent value.
Read more about Thor's sexist rant and the full text after the jump.In the first paragraph, Thor weeds out his audience by directing the readers who don't dig hot babes to “go eat a dick and gargle some balls. Then never reproduce, because you are the kind of person that turns into a shitty father.”
I'm absolutely certain I don't love women the same way that Thor Lund does — that is, in an extremely patriarchal and demeaning way — but I'm also confident that I'll never be a father, shitty or otherwise. I can only assume this means that his post is written to an exclusively male, heterosexual audience under the assumption that all women are straight.
He goes on to talk about his feelings toward women: “They create life, they care for the young…. I love women, a lot. I love when they look at me, talk to me, and laugh at me.”
In other words, Thor loves being the center of a woman's attention, not the woman herself. He also only glorifies them for their reproductive abilities: Women make babies! Women take care of the babies! Thor pass down genetic material! Thor smash!
As the former leader of a governing organization that was densely populated with childless women, I'm surprised that Thor didn't praise women for their other accomplishments: Attending college, working toward a career, putting up with belittling attitudes from sexist dirtbags.
Then again, according to Thor Lund, women's brains work differently than men's do. Quoting — wait for it — himself, Thor claims, “When you realize women make absolutely no sense, it all makes sense.”
Trailing his astute claim about women's intrinsic hysteria and irrationality is a non sequitur David Foster Wallace-sized paragraph about how one should look at and touch a woman to examine her for flaws. Unsurprisingly, this is one of several parts of the blog post where he lets his transphobia flag fly: He tells men to “check her neck because it is the most sensitive part of her body and you want to check for an adams apple.”
And later: “If her hands are smooth and soft, then that is a good sign. If they are manly, check the neck for an adams apple.” Then give her some feed so you can get a good look at all her teeth. Ask her owner for her pedigree, and get a vet to come check for any illness before you buy her.
Unsurprisingly, nowhere in this paragraph does he give instructions for asking a woman if she is comfortable with her body being touched and ogled.
Then again, he does clearly explain that men don't really have any control over their sexual impulses, so they can't be faulted for their harassment. According to Thor, “We men are like dogs, we can't not drool when that dinner bell is ringing.”
…I could not have made that shit up if I tried. Seriously? Men are rabid dogs and women are dinner?
That model of aggression makes sense if you buy Thor's characterization of seduction, in which women are constantly on guard against sex and men must conspire and manipulate to get them into bed: “If you can confuse their brain, then they will go home with you.” Thor completely negates the idea that women have sexual desires as well — that is, unless you're a woman with “daddy issues” and you need him to “give [you]the attention that [your]father never did.” Disgusting.
Student body president isn't a particularly prestigious office; according to UT legend, a pair of literal puppets once almost won as president and vice president. Still, Thor Lund was a leader at a public institution and determined how a significant part of the university's budget was spent. Let's hope that what started here doesn't change the world.
Read the entirety of Thor's rant below:
Before we get started let's get one thing straight. If you do not love women, stop reading. Seriously, close the web page and don't even waste your time. If you are reading this because you want to learn some new pick up lines, or want to get girls to brag to your bros about, or even just want sexual pleasure then stop. Go eat a dick and gargle some balls. Then never reproduce, because you are the kind of person that turns in to a shitty father and ruins America for everyone else. Honestly, to continue reading you must proclaim out loud “I sincerely and absolutely love women with all my heart. Every single one of them, even the fat ones, not just Beyonce and Halle Berry.” Then say out loud “Do I love all women?” if yes, keep reading. If no, then stop. Maybe means no as well, and no means no, and while we are on that subject lets talk about it. No always mean no. If a woman says those two letters together, you stop whatever it is you are doing, thank her for letting you spend time with her, and leave. Don't even look at her one more second. She said no, she means it, get the fuck out.
Okay, so the people who love women are still with us. I love women, a lot. I love when they look at me, talk to me, and laugh at me. I used to think it was because I just loved them and I, like every other male in the whole entire world is motivated by their attention. Seriously think about it, did Bill Clinton become President because he wanted the world's most stressful job? No he did it because he wanted to get head in the oval office. Every single thing that has ever happened is because of a woman. Wars are fought over them, songs are written for them, I'm going to go out on a limb and say Michael Jordan would not be the greatest NBA player in history if it wasn't because he loved women. They are all of life's motivation. They create life, they care for the young, and you better believe that your mother is the single greatest person in your life, because she carried your lazy ass for nine months inside of her! You started out so helpless that she literally had to give you her breast milk! So, love your mother, and every other woman that will some day be a mother.
As time has gone on and I have talked to my friends who are intellectual I have found that there is actually a deep inner pain within myself that causes me to love women and their attention so much. That inner pain is that I have mommy issues. Ever since my brothers and sisters were born, it has been mostly “wow triplets! that is the coolest thing ever!” Thank God I was named Thor and I sometimes get a “oh thats a cool name” because if I was named Clark, I would have serious problems. In all honesty though, I have a deep subconscious longing for attention from females. I think this is because in my mind there is nothing I can do that will ever fully make my mother proud of me. Why did I go to UT and major in engineering? My mom said it would be wise. Why did I run for student body president? My mom would be proud. Why am I trying to become a millionaire? So my mom will admit that I am not the worst financial planner in the world and so I can send her on vacation and she can say “I am proud of you.” The single greatest feeling in the whole world is making your mother proud, and thats why my entire commencement speech was centered around my mother and her infinite wisdom. But the point of all this rambling is that there is a deep inner reason for my love of attention and self-centeredness. I don't like everyone looking at me because I think I am cool, I like everyone looking at me because subconsciously I don't get enough approval from my mother. I know she is proud of me and she loves me, but honestly I could be President of the United States and somehow I would still find a way to upset her. This past weekend she told me not to talk too much at dinner because I take over conversations and ruin every one else's time. When I left my house four hours ago, I had put her in a bad mood because she had to pay $400 to keep me from getting arrested because I had two outstanding speeding tickets and missed both court dates. So in conclusion, I love my mom, she is proud of me, but whatever it is that causes me to screw up so much is the reason I crave attention. And I satisfy that need by sending out as much love as I can to the girls around me.
Now these mommy issues don't come without consequences. I talk too much, I usually only want to talk about myself and what I am doing, and I attract girls with daddy issues. I'm not going to fight any of those things, I'm going to live with them and use them to my advantage. I talk too much, but I've learned to make it interesting, I only want to talk about myself but I have learned how to include others in conversation and what I am doing, and I find the girls with daddy issues and for a couple hours give them the attention that their father never did. They take out their pent up issues on me in a number of different ways, mostly sexual, and then when I don't text them enough they call me a pompous asshole, but at least we had a fun while it lasted.
Alright so enough about me, lets dive into women as a whole. They are complex and beautiful creatures. They bring life and they take life. They will make you feel like the most amazing person in the world, and then they will rip your heart out and make you cry. Thats the cycle of life. It goes up and down. The same goes for women, they go up and down, and they make you happy and sad. Even when you find the one you want to spend your entire life with and create a family with, you are still going to fight and cry and hate each other sometimes. But at the end of the day, if you have managed to marry your best friend then you have won. Because unless you are vegan, you aren't going to stay young and beautiful forever. Some day those perky breasts are going to sag below the belt line, and that toned ass is going to be all wrinkly and disgusting. At that point its not about the sexual attraction, its about the emotional attachment and waking up every day knowing that you are at least going to laugh and have a good time once more before you fall over and die.
Th thing I love most about women and trying to convince them to kiss me is that at the core of it, if you can get a girl over to your place and somehow manage to have her take her clothes off, she will be truthful with you. It is hard to lie to someone who is lying naked next to you. Girls are lying all day long. They lie about their feelings, their weight, how much cardio they did, and what they think of their best friend's oversized purse. But at the end of the day, when I get a girl back to my place, she will tell the truth about what she wants to do when she grows up, what her family is like, what her city is like, and why she has that stupid oversized purse. That builds trust and that builds relationships. That is what you want, you don't want some story to tell your homeboys about. You want a real beautiful and complex female counterpart to trust you and think of you as their friend. That is why even though half the girls I've been with hate my guts and think I'm a sleazy asshole, they still talk to me when I call them, they still laugh at my jokes, and they still remember the brief time we shared, even if it was only thirty seconds before I barfed all over them. I bet even the most psycho chick I ever was with, who plotted to denounce me in front of the student government assembly, still remembers the time we watched shawshank redemption together and then I took her for crepes the next day. If you are reading this I know you remember those crepes! and then you made fun of me because I was petting all the dogs in the food truck park, but for at least a couple hours you enjoyed life and even though I never did buy you that sandwich you wanted, some day you will tell your kids “I dated the U.S President when he was 21.” …. just kidding i'm not running for U.S. President, and we were not dating! If one more person calls you my ex-girlfriend I'm going to pull my hair out.
So without further adieu, here are my rules for women…
1. “When you realize women make absolutely no sense, it all makes sense.” – Thor Ericson Lund
Women are counterintuitive. That is on purpose. If you could logically attract a woman, then all the engineers would win and our society would be wimpy, socially awkward, and have no clue how to match their socks with their outfit. Instead women have evolved over millions of years to be able to pick out the snakes from the lovers and protectors. Eve was pretty crappy at distinguishing the two. She ate from the snake's hand. Humanity suffered as a result, but we have evolved and now women can smell snakes from a mile away. If you are trying to sleep with a woman, she knows. How? Because your eyes are wide, you are drooling, and staring right down her shirt. There are only three places you should ever look at a woman. The first is her eyes, because you can tell if she is interested in you or not with the eyes. The second is her neck because it is the most sensitive part of her body and you want to check for an adams apple. If she has one of those, she is most likely a man so you should avoid trying to sleep with her/him. The third and most important place you can look at a woman is her toes. Why? Because the toes tell all. If her feet are pretty and her nails are painted then you can assume the rest of her body is well groomed and cleaned. If she has gross feet, then chances are she has gross you know what and you will want to avoid that at all costs. If you can't see her toes, go to the hands. You may touch them if the opportunity presents itself (seriously though, if I find out any of you did that stupid pick up artist palm reading bullshit I will be so mad, that stuff is for lame old guys who can't get normal girls), if her hands are smooth and soft, then that is a good sign. If they are manly, check the neck for an adams apple. If they are sweaty, then she is probably nervous which could work in your favor, if they are calm and non sweaty then she is a winner and she probably knows what she is doing so turn your A-game on. In all seriousness, don't look at a woman's chest or ass. She knows, her boyfriend knows, and every other girl in the bar is watching you check her out and saying to herself “That guy is sleazy and I don't want to sleep with him.” So focus on the eyes, they tell the whole story anyway. Don't even dare go down to the lips, you will start drooling, its inevitable. We men are like dogs, we can't not drool when that dinner bell is ringing. So don't tempt yourself, stay on the eyes.
There is good news from all this as well. Women can also spot a real man from a mile away. How does she know? He carries himself with unshakeable confidence, he is nonchalant and relaxed. He makes sure everyone else has a good time, he is treating the women he is with like actual human beings and not pieces of meat, he is a little cocky but not douchey, and you can damn well bet he is making people laugh. If you can get a woman to laugh at something (not self depricating though) you are like 75% of the way there.
But why is it like this? Why do women have to be so confusing? The answer is science, or something like that. Attraction is a not a choice, women don't sit around before they go out and say “hmmm well I think tonight I am going to hook up with Joe because he is smart and nice and I like his brown hair.” No, in less than a second a woman is either attracted to someone or she isn't. The reason it is this way is because back in the day when we were hunting and gathering with our fellow neanderthals, women had to develop an acute sense of what type of man she met. She couldn't sit around and ponder the pros and cons of each caveman she came in contact with. She had to know in a snap instant whether this guy was going to love her and leave her or whether he was going to get her pregnant and stick around to protect and feed the tribe. We don't protect or feed the tribe like our ancestors did way back in the early days of humanity, but the evolutionary subconscious attraction switch still turns on or off just like it did when we were chasing wooly mammoth.
So the best way to think about women and how to get them to be attracted to you is to do the exact opposite of what you think. If you really like her, tell her you can't stand her. If you think she is pretty, make fun of her oversized purse and ask her if she keeps a parachute inside it. If she is the nicest girl you've ever met, tell her that you don't like it that she is so mean to young children. Seriously its so simple, do the opposite. Every other frat guy out there is going to say “you are so pretty, can I buy you a drink?” he just got friend zoned because he is like everyone else, and he asked for her permission. Instead walk up to a girl and say “hey you seem like no one will be your friend, so I'll let you buy thirty seconds of my time. I'll take a whiskey coke.” She is going to be so confused because you aren't needy and asking for her permission. Instead you are assuming she is going to buy you a drink because you are in fact the catch, and she is just some loser. Seriously, try that line out. It will work. How do I know? That's how I get drunk without taking any money downtown. The only time I buy a woman a drink is if it is a whole group of them, or she is with a couple guys that I want to befriend. Even then I usually don't buy her one. Needy guy will say “oh I bought you this super expensive vegas bomb because you are so hot, please talk to me.” I say “Yeah I got all your friends a drink, but I didn't get you one because you are frowning too much.” Her mind is literally blown because she thinks she is the center of the universe and I just told her she wasn't. The rest of the night she is trying to prove herself, I am continually reminding her that she isn't that cool and that it will never work out between us. She then tries to prove me wrong by getting me to bring her home. She proves me wrong again by getting me to kiss her, but in reality I am the winner because I have just used reverse psychology on her the entire night, made a game of it, and gotten really drunk for free.
2. Your only goal is to have fun
I never go out thinking about who I am going to hook up with or which girl I want to see. I only have one thought. That is, “How can I have the most fun possible?” Seriously, if you make it your number one goal every time to go out and have as much fun as you possibly can you will attract too many girls and they will come home with you effortlessly. Why? Because that is what everyone wants. Fun! That is why we are in college, not to learn (just kidding), it is to have fun. Why do people love animal house? Why do they love getting drunk and waking up in a ditch? Why do girls go to dirty 6th on their 21st and jump up on a bar with their ass hanging out and take a tequila shot out of a dildo? Because it is fun!!
3. Stop trying
If you are trying to hook up with a girl, then you lose and you won't do it. Girls only come effortlessly. There is no winning them. Do you think Ryan Gossling planned out a great way to swoon whoever that chick was in the notebook? No, he jumped on the carnival ride and acted like a dummy, and then I think rode around in a boat in the rain and then ran towards her in slow motion, picked her up, swung her around, and did her in a dirty barn. That wasn't meticulously calculated! That was all spontaneous, and he wasn't trying at all. When you start treating one girl like she is special you will lose her. Women are special as a whole, but individually they are not, except for your sisters and mom and wife. Those ones are special. But regular girls at college and the bars, they aren't special. Newsflash for everyone who is so in love with the first girl they met. I can find one hundred million girls that look just like her but speak two languages. They live in Europe and they can cook way better than your so called perfect woman. Even I forget this sometimes. This is how I lost my second real girlfriend, and how I creeped out a beautiful young charming woman just last month. The first was my second real girlfriend, I treated her like she was the only woman in the whole world that mattered, she was so special that I didn't care that she was hooking up with other guys, or that I had become her bitch and I did all sorts of manual labor during the day for her so that she could go out at night and sleep with whoever she met on sixth. It sucked, but I learned a lot. Now I'm the guy hooking up with the girlfriend. Not my fault, I tried to be a nice boy, it doesn't work. Girls hate nice clingy boys who do everything they want. It doesn't make sense but that is how it is. Okay so I still haven't learned. I met a girl just this summer. She is incredible, definite girlfriend material. She is smart, ambitious, religious, comes from a very good family, she is innocent, she laughs at my joke, she has the body of a goddess, and she has a boat!! But I tried too hard to get her. I flirted too hard, I tried to hang out with her too much and she got creeped out and told me to stay away. It sucks because we would've had a great relationship, but the point is that because I treated her special and wanted to spend time with her, she told me I suck and now I spend zero time with her. Moral of the story: Stop trying to get girls and you will get plenty.
Okay thats it. If you can follow those three simple rules you will be amazed at what will happen. When I was a freshmen I didn't get it. I thought logically girls should like me because I was ambitious, smart, and nice to them. Nope that is the recipe for clingy weirdo. Back then I couldn't buy a girlfriend. Now I have three, and they are all 9s or 10s. Okay they aren't my girlfriends, but I am dating them, sort of. Is that so horrible? No it isn't because each of them also have other boys they are hooking up with and I'm pretty sure one of them has a boyfriend. They all know that I am seeing multiple people and if they don't like it they will stop texting me. That is the name of the game. Have as many girls as you want as long as they are cool with it. Don't lie to them. I tell all of them up front that they aren't the only one and that if they don't like that then we will stop seeing each other. Lots of them leave at that point, but some stick around because they are like female versions of me and they appreciate the honesty and also appreciate dating multiple people at the same time. Some day I will find someone who is worth it and I will give up the other girls. But right now, they are each unique, I love them all, and when they are with me they have my undivided attention and affection.
I'm sure everyone has at least heard of that pick up artist show. That is stupid, don't listen to those guys. You are going to get exactly zero girls by doing magic tricks and telling fake made up stories. I rely on basically one or two lines when I go out and they usually work. If you think they are stupid and will never work, that is fine. But I have 25+ female witnesses who can attest to the fact that I convinced them I was a cool guy, if even only for a long enough amount of time to make out with her before barfing all over blind pig. That actually happened, I started kissing her, then I barfed on her and got escorted out the back. It is really awkward when I see her around now.
The world's greatest pick up line is this:
“What is your name?”
you respond with
“My name is….”
now you are talking to a girl that you previously did not even know. Congratulations you have beat out half the guys in the bar already. Now just don't screw it up. Do that by choosing from the following list of questions:
“Where are you from?”
“What is your major?”
“What is it like growing up in….”
“Are you in a sorority or spirit group?”
“Who do you know here?”
“What grade are you in?”
“What do you want to be when you grow up?”
“What do you think of the new Beyonce song?”
“Describe your perfect man.”
“Do you like technology?”
Notice all of these questions are open ended except the last one. That is because it gives her a chance to talk while you try not to barf. To be honest, I usually only make it to like the second one before I'm not paying attention to what she is saying and by question three I have transitioned to “Are you trying to get out of here?”
That last question about technology is actually gold. She will try to talk about technology and what her favorite is, but don't let her. Tell her it is just a yes or no question. Regardless of what she says, just slowly now your head, look at her with a slight grin, and say “I figured you would say that.” It will actually drive her crazy. Then proceed to change the subject or ask her if she is trying to leave.
Here are things you NEVER say to a girl when you are talking to her.
“I'm the insert some position in *insert some organization.”
“You have a nice ass”
“you are pretty/beautiful/cool/different/unique”
“can I touch it?”
“Can I buy you a drink?”
“Want to see my car?”
“Want to see a picture of my dog?”
“I have a boat.”
any story that starts with “So this one time…”
“will you come back with me?”
“can i kiss you”
“i want to kiss you”
“your lips look so kissable”
“want to come back to my place?”
“can i take you out for dinner sometime?”
What do all of these have in common? They are what drunk frat boys say, they are needy and permission seeking, and they show that you are trying to prove your self worth.
I'm lucky in that all I have to do is say “My name is Thor” and she usually recognizes that I was SG President, and if she doesn't one of my friends will be a good wingman and jump in and be like “Don't you know Thor? He was the president.”
I don't like to use the president card because it is a crutch and it takes the fun out of talking to girls, but honestly I am usually ready to leave if I have resorted to leaving my drunk guy friends to talk to a girl one on one. Two weeks ago I had the most fun I've ever had getting a girl to kiss me. The reason was because I met her outside of a bar scene, she had no idea who I was or if I had any social status, and I literally had to convince her I was cool all through game. It was a rush, it was exciting, and a hundred times more pleasurable then getting a drunk girl with daddy issues to kiss me at abels. I actually told the girl I was gay but experimenting, and for whatever reason she couldn't tell if I was lying or not. Then I made fun of her for being a lot younger than me and telling her she had so much to look forward to in the coming years. It worked, I won, and then got chased out of the lake house by her boyfriend who was trying to kill me…. but thats a whole different blog post I could write about another time.
You don't have to be the President though, just come up with something. Even if you are “Larry the guy with green pants” girls will want to hook up with you. They may think you are uglier than an ape, but they can go home and tell all their friends that they hooked up with “Larry the green pants guy” and all their friends will laugh and be like “oh i saw him barf on another girl at blind pig once, he is really funny though.” If you can't tell, when I am not Thor the president, I am Larry the green pants guy that sometimes gets too drunk and barfs on adpi's.
The final piece of advice I have for talking to girls is to confuse them. Honestly they deserve it, they have perplexed men since the beginning of time when they tricked us to eat the devil's food in the garden of eden. Give them a taste of their own medicine. If you can confuse their brain, then they will go home with you. Again, I don't know why and it doesn't make sense but it just does. I have blogged a list of text messages where I have said things that literally make no sense to me, but have prompted a favorable response from the female I was texting. Oh and while we are on it, DON'T TEXT GIRLS! They don't care what you are doing, and they don't want you to ask them about their day. Seriously, they have girlfriends for all that. You don't really care, you just want to sleep with them. I only text girls that I hook up with two things “DT?” or “coming over tonight?” Thats it. I don't want to know what they had for lunch or what they thought about the Justin Bieber movie, that is the nice clingy guys job to find all that out. I just want to know if she is going to spend the night, or if I need to text someone else for that.
In conclusion, women are the best. You should love them and treat them with respect. Do the opposite of what they want, unless they say no. Always do what they say when they say no! I am by no means a master of any of this. I strike out twice as much as I succeed. In the next post are some of my biggest failures, they are funny, and I actually suck with girls, I have just managed to find a couple things that work and keep swinging even after I strike out over and over again. Sometimes I worry that I am callous to love and emotion because I will block a girl after she leaves my apartment because I never want to hear from her again, and I can't even remember her name. So then I have to block like four girls with the name that I think it could be. But…. some day I will love someone, and make her my wife, and have children and settle down. I thought I found her twice, but turns out I didn't because one is in Costa Rica, and the other doesn't love me back for whatever reason, actually she has plenty of reason. She knows I'm actually an engineering nerd that was lucky to get with her in the first place with my nerd socks, cargo pants, and shrunk crop top shirts that I dried too hot in the dryer.
Also read the following two books, they are very eye-opening. Just google free pdf and then the title and you should be able to find them. They are each a couple hundred pages long but you will learn lots.
Conquer your campus – Mark Redman (I think)
Attraction isn't a choice – David Deangelo
Photo courtesy of The Alcalde.