Texas House Passes Bill Mandating Gun Range Test for UT Admission, Employment

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Proactively responding to charges that not all faculty or students are prepared to wield a gun in crisis situations, today the Texas House of Representatives passed a bill mandating a range test score of above 85% for all applicants to the University of Texas system. Faculty will also have to complete a firearms proficiency test and undergo a year of hostage situation training, which will not be paid for by the state or university.

While the currently criteria for a Texas concealed handgun license (CHL) requires a range score of only 70%, several legislators on the higher education committee noted that UT-Austin has always had higher admissions standards, and such the same should apply to the ability to know which 18 year olds to accidentally shoot in a crisis situation.

“If we are going to allow guns on campus, we need to make sure students are ready to handle those guns whether they want to or not,” stated Republican Dan Huberty. “Our Second Amendment rights must not be trampled by the vast majority of Texans who don't want their children to accidentally get shot in the crossfire while they're trying to get a college degree.”

Read more about this legislation below the jump.Students for Concealed Carry on Campus celebrated the decision in a press release, stating “At long last, we have overthrown the tyranny of the masses of students, faculty, and staff who don't want to get shot on the job by a bunch of spoiled good old boys who won't do their damn homework!”

Several amendments to the bill — including mandating trigger locks with attached breathalyzers to make sure students were not intoxicated when they went on a shooting rampage — were defeated along strict party lines.

The bill now heads over to the State Senate, where it is expected to undergo a few changes and may encounter some significant opposition.

“Seriously? WTF? We can't muster the political will to restore all $5.4B in cuts to public education, and yet somehow people can vote to arm college students and still look themselves in the eye in the mirror in the morning?” stated a variety of disgruntled Senate staffers to each other in various g-chats set to 'Off The Record.' “This shit is NOT why I spent all of those years racking up all of that debt in friggin' policy school.”

Complicating matters, Senator Donna Campbell is pushing a controversial amendment that would require Women and Gender Studies majors to be required to carry a gun at all times, since “those feminist bitches are probably asking for it anyways.” Massive amounts of scientific evidence demonstrating that more guns put more women in danger left Campbell entirely unmoved.

“God is speaking directly through me, and he wants more people to get shot and die in the name of education,” Campbell stated, as worried aides tried to get her away from the press.

Senator Dan Patrick is also offering an amendment, which would allow anyone who graduated from a charter school funded entirely by corporate tax give-aways be exempt from the range test qualification.

Governor Rick Perry, a long-time advocate of gun rights in a way that vastly exceeds what the founding fathers intended, was thrilled that this legislation would soon be headed to his desk. “I may have earned a C in U.S. History and a D in Principles of Economics at A&M, but even I know that this is sound policy that will make students safer,” stated Perry.

“Hey, do you think this means I can challenge Bill Powers to an actual shoot-out down on Red River?”


About Author

Katherine Haenschen

Katherine Haenschen is a PhD candidate at the University of Texas, where she studies political participation on digital media. She previously managed successful candidate, issue, voter registration, and GOTV campaigns in Central Texas. She is also a fan of UCONN women's basketball and breakfast tacos.

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