Burnt Orange Report

Arsenic and Old Movie Blog

By Nathan Nance

Guest post by Nate Nance

From time to time at my blog, Common Sense, I like to post movie reviews. I pick out a title of an old movie, stick the phrase Movie Blog in there and give you my two cents worth. I mean, it can't be all politics.

So I decided to do something like that only more special for BOR, I'm actually going to review a movie that opened nationwide last night, Blade Trinity.

Now, of course, my first choice of a movie to review would be SpongeBob SquarePants. But even at 2 in the afternoon that theater was packed. Besides, the one time I watch SpongeBob, I was at my friend Charlotte's house and we were watching with her little sister. I swear to God, SpongeBob went on a riff about the proletariat overthrowing the corrupt bourgeoise and creating a worker's paradise. I got a little weirded out.

But back to Blade. Byron and Karl told me it was all right to say this so my review is summed up in two words: Fucking Sweet.

I mean we got action, we got hot techno music and we got Jessica Biel in halter tops and whatnot. I know some people will be shocked and amazed, but I really wanted to see this movie because of her. She's the reason I went to see Texas Chainsaw Massacre, her and her wet tank top. She kicks ass in this movie, just beating the crap out of people all over the place.

And no crappy cgi fight scenes like in No. 2. All wire work and sharp camera angles the way God intended. The well-choreographed sword fight between Blade and Drake, played by Dominic Purcell who I don't think I've ever heard of, really makes up for the kind of plot twist of Biel playing Kris Kristoferson's daughter.

Then there is Ryan Reynolds. I liked Van Wylder as much as anybody, but he went a little too far with the wisecracking. After a while it just wasn't funny anymore. There was a great scene between him and Parker Posey where the two are arguing over a past relationship. Triple H of the WWE is standing nearby with his vampire pomeranian and Reynolds is going on an on about a homing beacon in his butt cheeks. Posey finally yells that it isn't funny anymore (where had she been, it hadn't been funny for a while) when Reynolds redeems himself by saying "It's about to get a lot less funny you cock-juggling thunder cunt." Please don't write letters; I just repeat what I hear on TV.

Good soundtrack, lots of action and all kinds of crazy gadgets for them to kill vampires with. Blade Trinity has something for the whole family, as long as your whole family is above the age of 17 and enjoys wisecracks about lewd sex acts and extreme violence to a techno beat.

Nate gives it an 8.5

This is a guest post from Nate Nance. Nate is a sports/news clerk at the Waco Tribune-Herald and writer/editor of Common Sense a Texas-based Democratic Web log. He can be reached at nate_nance@yahoo.com.