Burnt Orange Report

A Modest Proposal

By Jim Dallas

We're coming up on another election year, and not soon enough. Recent polling shows the President's approval rating falling through the floor. Unfortunately, the public doesn't think very much of us Democrats, either.

Millions of Americans wake up every morning asking themselves what possessed them to vote for our "whistle-ass" President and their less-than-lovable congresscritters (did I mention Congressional approval is back down into the 30s or low 40s?). Your friends, your neighbors, maybe even YOU, are struck with phenomenal guilt. Everytime they look at their children, they become overwhelmed with angst for having put those "no-talent assclowns" in office.

We at the Burnt Orange Report would like to believe that this won't be the case. We try to be idealists, honest (and this is why we're supporting Dr. Howard Dean for President.).

But we know that national politicians seem to have a profound knack for bringing along disappointment, regardless of age, gender, or party.

This is why I propose that our government do something to give the American people a reason to vote again. To wit, I propose that the federal government give every eligible voter a big bottle of tequila (and in those left coast hippie states where it wouldn't be frowned upon, a bag of weed).

I call it the Conscience Protection Program. Our motto: "Vote Early, Vote Often, But never, ever, ever Vote Sober."

Some may ask if this is a bit extreme; others may suggest it could lead to really bad decisions (as a totally hypothetical example, electing Arnold Schwarzenegger governor of California - my the electorate would have to really be tripping the light fantastic to do something like that!).

But given the law of large numbers, the totally random votes of a totally stoned voting public ought to give us the right choice.

(Which - Jesus be praised! - happens to be George W. Bush, by order of the United States Supreme Court.)

No more morning-after guilt. No more blaming yourself for driving the country off the cliff. The Conscience Protection Program.

Bottoms up, America!

UPDATE: Because I'm sure I've heard this joke before, I did a search on the Google. I found this prescription for guilt-less voting, but I also found this interesting (real) article:

It will be two pints of lager and a ballot paper please in Norway this year after a change in the law allowing voters to get drunk and then go out to vote.

"The election board can no longer refuse anyone to vote because they are intoxicated," an adviser at the Local Government Ministry said this week.

Until now, Norway's election law has denied entry to polling stations anyone with "seriously impaired judgment" or "reduced consciousness" from booze, but that law has been scrapped, adviser Steinar Dalbakk told the Bladet Tromsoe newspaper.

But Norwegians will have to sober up again for the 2005 general elections. Politicians - possibly fearing the effects of a political hangover - have re-enacted the law banning drunken voting.

The new law will however not take effect until after September's local government polls.

This ought to be an interesting test-bed for my proposal, which could even perhaps inspire an entire policy paper.

Or not.

I think I was also subconsciously influenced to post this because of the late Atlanta Journal-Constitution columnist Lewis Grizzard (a hero of mine), who once suggested a similar plan to overcome the fear of flying.